Gain Respect in Relationships
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When someone mentions the term “healthy relationship”, what words come to mind? Trust? Love? Affection? Gifts? Sex?
Okay, okay. Maybe A LOT of sex.
But what about respect? Perhaps the most important component of a relationship, yet the most overlooked, a lack of respect is usually the reason why many relationships fail.
The Reality of Respect
We live our lives in constant interaction with those around us. Whether in a business, school, or social setting, we always aim to earn the respect of our co-workers, peers, and friends. Some of us may gain the respect of everyone we come into contact with, while the rest of us gain a varying level of respect from our fellow human beings. Examples of this truth are all around us. I’m sure you know at least one person who gains the respect of everyone he/she interacts with, heck; even YOU want this person to like you.
Self Respect as a Boundary
Let’s call this person John (if you’re female, call this person Julie). Whenever you greet John, you get a calm “what’s going on”, or “what’s up?” He’s not in your face seeking your approval, he doesn’t care if you approve of him or not, and he always maintains his composure. He knows what he stands for, and doesn’t need the approval of others to define his own identity. Whenever you violate one of John’s standards, he lets you know immediately. If you continue to violate his standards, he won’t hesitate to walk away.
What’s going on here? John’s self respect serves as a boundary that protects him from anything and anyone who chooses to disrespect his clearly communicated standards. This boundary is visible to people around him. When people notice this boundary through John’s body language, tone of voice, or actions, they look at their own weaker boundary and choose to respect John.
How strong is your boundary?
Personal Boundary as a Border
I like to think of my personal boundary as the foundation for my self-respect. Without it, I wouldn’t know what to stand up for or how to defend my ideas and self-esteem. Try to imagine the border between the U.S and Mexico. It’s heavily guarded, and there are only select entry points people can pass through (although there are numerous gaps in the 2,000 mile border that compromise its integrity).
Think of your personal boundary as the border between two countries. You need to guard it as well as you can, and have as few gaps as possible. The better you do this; the better protected your self-esteem and ideas, and the more respect others will give you.
Building Your Boundary
Each of us has some semblance of a personal boundary we have developed over the years. Maybe your boundary is laden with many gaps, or maybe it resembles a circle, with very few gaps.
To fill in the gaps, you need to know what you like and what you don’t like; you have to have preferences. Ever heard the saying, “to get what you want out of life, you need to first know what you want out of life”? The same applies with building a strong boundary.
To give you a simple example of what I mean, think about your preference of car brands. You may prefer Porsche, but not Hummer; or you may prefer Ford, but not Dodge. These preferences influence the way you lead your life. If you prefer Ford over Dodge, you aren’t going to go out tomorrow and buy a Dodge; you’ll buy a Ford.
Let’s extend this example to include preferences such as “I will only accept first class behavior from myself and from others; I will never tolerate second class behavior from myself or others.” This is one of my personal beliefs and I find it to be extremely empowering.
When you adopt preferences such as these, your life begins to revolve around them. Any time you come across someone who violates your standards, you won’t hesitate to walk away. I don’t waste my time on people who don’t have enough self-respect and high enough standards to hold themselves responsible for acting with first class behavior.
Know what you stand for, be picky. When you’re picky, you won’t settle for anything less than what you know you deserve. The higher you set your standards, the higher the quality of your life.
I suggest you pull out a piece of paper, or open a word document right now. Begin to list all of your preferences. Start with easy things such as “I prefer (favorite car brand here) over any other type of car”, or “I like (favorite color here) more than any other color”. Work your way up until you begin to define your preferences having to do with your relationships with other people. Once you have clearly defined as many preferences as you can, choose to never settle for behavior or actions any less than these standards.
Respect and Relationships
For some reason, many people forget the importance of respect when starting a relationship with that “special someone”. Perhaps it’s those initial butterflies that cause you to forget; or maybe your significant other is so damn attractive that you just don’t care! Overlooking this component may be fine at first, but it will soon catch up with you and bite you in the ass. Let me demonstrate what I mean through personal experience.
When I began my first relationship, I was young, naïve, inexperienced, and overwhelmed by all the feelings associated with a new relationship. I assumed these feeling meant I was in love, asked no questions, and led a happy life for nearly seven months.
Painfully, this all came tumbling down when I realized the person I was with had no sense of self respect. I’m the kind of guy who can’t respect people who have no sense of self respect (so if that’s you, stay away! Just kidding). I’m sure you can guess where the relationship went from here. I unconsciously began to do what I pleased, when I pleased. We fought all the time, largely because I didn’t listen to or believe anything she said, and eventually we broke up.
This is a common situation in most relationships. One person has a stronger sense of self and self respect than the other person. Sooner or later, the stronger person realizes this is the case, and either unconsciously takes advantage of the weaker person, or decides to pack up and leave.
Looking back, I realize I made a number of mistakes while leading this relationship. First of all, if my boundary was strong enough, and I had higher standards, I would’ve never settled for this person in the first place. Secondly, if I did have a strong boundary, my actions would have demonstrated this fact from the get-go, and the girl would have either been too intimidated to talk to me, or would have constantly been striving to meet my standards.
Using Your Boundary in Relationships
How do you utilize your boundary in a relationship? You utilize it to build respect. And how exactly do you do that? Well, since your boundary is a “wall” which represents your standards and preferences, you must allow only certain things to permeate this “wall”. If you have a solid wall of preferences, and have no ability to let certain things in, then you will be unable to compromise. I’m not advising you to be a stubborn, uncompromising person. I’m suggesting that you live your life by certain standards, and never settle for anything less than the highest quality of behavior from the people in your life.
Any time you come across someone who does meet your standards, let them in and out of your “wall” selectively as long as they act in accordance with your standards. Make sure that you do not tolerate too many violations of your standards; otherwise the other person may begin to lose respect for you, and may think you just talk the talk and can’t walk the walk. To instill respect, your partner must understand that you will not stick around no matter what.
Demonstrate Your Standards
It is important to lay out your standards in plain view for your partner to see from the beginning. Take as many opportunities as you can to demonstrate your standards to your partner. If this means telling them a story of someone who previously violated one of your standards, go ahead. For example, one of my pet peeves is people telling me they will call me back, but then never calling back.
I view this as second class behavior. So I would tell my partner a story that goes something like this. “Yeah you know, I hate it when people don’t call me back. A few weeks ago, Johnny said he was going to call me back but then he never did. I told him I didn’t like it, but he still did it again. After the second time, I never spoke to him again.” This is a true story (the person’s name wasn’t Johnny), and it demonstrates one of my many standards. You can be sure that whoever hears this story early on in our relationship will never fail to call me back.
Another way to demonstrate your standards from the get-go is to be particularly picky. When the person of interest suggests something that isn’t in line with what you want to do or what you believe in, tell them “no” and suggest another idea.
This is what you should be doing anyways if you have a strong, well-defined boundary. Would you be wasting your time doing things you don’t like to do and tolerating second class behavior when you expect more? No, you wouldn’t be. Instill respect in others by standing up for yourself. Hold people to the highest standards, and you will find that they will always be working to meet these standards.
Summing it All Up
Remember, when you are looking to start a relationship with that special someone, it is important they respect you and your boundary. If you have well-defined preferences and standards, your actions and words will demonstrate these standards. Your special someone will understand violating this boundary will lead to your disapproval, and eventually will lead to you walking away. Assuming all of the other elements of a relationship are in place (attraction, connection, trust, etc.), the last thing they would want is for you to leave.
If you have absorbed this entire article, you will become more conscious of the strength of your own boundary. I have spent a lot of time defining my own preferences, and I keep defining them more clearly every day. If you make a commitment to yourself to consciously and actively define your preferences, while choosing to never tolerate any behavior out of line with these preferences, you will notice the quality of your life will improve drastically.
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This was a lovely enlightenment, something I’ve not really thought much about before today. I recently broke up with my boyfriend as I knew in my heart of hearts that he wasn’t giving me the respect I deserve. I realise now that this was my own fault for allowing it to happen in the first place. I was upset breaking up with him but I know I have done the right thing and that I will allow no one to disrespect me again in the future.
Great page
Louise
Louise,
I’m glad you found the post helpful
You did the courageous thing in breaking up with him, and for that you should be proud of yourself.
- Rahul
I don’t understand why the author had to gratuitously say “Maybe a LOT of sex” in the beginning. I didn’t get the joke if there was meant to be one, and fail to understand it. Rahul talks about ‘boundaries’ yet says ‘lots of sex’ like ‘hey everyone else is doing it so it must be cool to write that’ – a lot of people have high values and believe waiting before having sex. It is an honorable quality in a person.
David,
What I meant is that many people associate A LOT of sex with a “healthy relationship.” In no way am I saying that A LOT of sex is required in order for a relationship to be considered healthy. Of course many people like to wait due to their high standards, and yes, it can be an honorable quality in a person.
- Rahul
Wow my friend. I had a few relationship snags this week and I must say this article was right on time. I allowed my self respect to be compromised and it is definitely not like me to allow that. This whole article really just wonderful. You insight is well recieved. Have an absolutely awesome day!
I love this article. I just broke up with my boyfriend of a year because of the lack of respect. I compromised so much when that is not EVEN in my character. I just simply wanted it to work. Enough is enough!
Thanks Rahul
I think the article hits the nail on the head in terms of “demanding” that others treat you with respect and honor your personal boundaries. However; many times we haven’t demonstrated that same amount of respect to ourselves. Especially people who have been in unhealthy relationships for a long time- or perhaps were raised in a dysfunctional (yes, I know it’s overused, but still accurate) home where self-respect isn’t modeled. Some of us need to develop SELF respect before we can demand it of others.
Hey! Awesome article, wish I had so much knowledge about all this before I landed in marriage. The thing is I do not want to leave the person but I want to gain respect that I deserve and demonstrate the boundaries now! I do not know if this would be effective since he somehow knew how all this works and already showed me his boundary and our standards definitely do not match as such. It has to be one or the other compromising. And at some point this gets to either one of us and we land up in frustration!
People may wonder why one would want to continue in such a relationship for which theres lot more to say which i do not prefer to here.
Any suggestions for the mess that I am in? Thanks!
Agathos,
It’s definitely tough to establish boundaries and respect in the midst of a relationship. The person you’re with has already subconsciously learned your tendencies, preferences, weaknesses, etc. I don’t really have any experience in establishing respect in the middle of relationships, I always look to start things out on the right foot in that sense. I can suggest that you sit down and talk to your spouse about how you feel about the respect in the relationship, and let him/her know that you are going to be making some changes to that aspect of your relationship. Once you’ve talked about it, then start implementing right away. Refuse to settle for anything less than 1st class behavior in every sense of the word. I hope this helps! Best of luck to you!
Danette – Thank you for dropping by and leaving a comment! I totally agree with your comment about self-respect, and I truly believe it is the fundamental pillar of mutual respect in relationships. If there is no self-respect, any expectations of respect from your spouse will be flimsy expectations indeed.
Thanks! am trying to make these feelings of mine conveyed. Right now I feel its just not being understood correctly! I guess first few months of a relationship are most important for setting the tone for the rest of the life! Changing it at some later point seems so taxing and foolish to me…
Wow! I have to this article is very helpful and enlightening! You are just 21, and you have such perception, that’s great ! I appreciate this most “instill respect in others by standing up for oneself”, this means self-respect is for the first, for any successful relationship!
I find this article very usefull… Can any one help me to understand how to handle this scenario ?
You throw a suggestion in a common discussion at your office and no one has accepted it even though you find it to be correct. This has happened quite a number of times…. This scenario is purely against your standards and letting you down some times… You really like to walk away from such places and discussions but you cannot do as you need to stick on to that job/ relationship…
Help me to understand how you handle this scenario
@ Jessica – Thank you for stopping by, and thank you for the compliment!
@ Arg – I believe the solution to your scenario is that you voice your suggestion in a firmer way. The way you’ve described it makes it sound like you kind of slipped the suggestion in there, but didn’t really make it known that it was very important to you. Pull the person (or people) aside that you want to talk to about this, and then let them know how important your concern is to you.
Rahul – Thanks alot for your suggestion….
I have some what if questions… I always have many questions like this
What if one cannot justify or convince the opponent on his thoughts? or what if opponent has some lame reasons or alternative that makes you to stop pursuing your approach and goes by other way. There are some cases which I have seen that the opponent accepts our thoughts when it is explained when he is alone but the same individual denies them in a common meeting.
Too many questions/ raising flag against higher level people in official life will never help any one to get a good impression on them. And any valid questions that gets denied and forces people to work in way against their thoughts will reduce the confidence level of that individual.
Your Suggestions ???
@ Arg – You’ve posed a tough “what if” situation for sure! Whenever handling situations like this, I think the best approach you can take is the one with your “opponent’s” needs in mind. Instead of taking the traditional “how can I get what I want out of this person” approach, think about what your opponent wants in your particular situation. Then, present your opponent with a solution that gives him/her exactly what he/she wants, while at the same time appeasing your concerns and giving you exactly what you want also. It’s just a matter of angling it the right way!
I learned this approach from Dale Carnegie’s book “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, and I recommend you get a copy of the book. It’s awesome at detailing how to handle situations just like these, and if you can master all of the principles Carnegie discusses in the book, you’ll truly be a master of social interaction. Check it out. You can find a link to the book in my Library section.
This was particularly useful for me as in our culture (I’m also Indian), family boundaries are so obscure. I am sick and tired of family and friends using our studio as a hotel….they come in hoardes every week. As a couple, we have no privacy in our own studio…..am definitely going to use some of your tips to combat this. Thanks
Hi Rahul! My congratulations to you on the article. It’s very well written, and so relevant.
I’m facing the same problem with my girlfriend, and i am on the receiving end.
I would like to ask you- can this situation be overturned? As in, i feel i was like how she is right now, and she was like i am right now. And now its completely the opposite.
Secondly- when do i know it’s time to end it? Does it always have to end? We love each other very much, but i feel the lack of respect is getting to me now. And i’ve started feeling this for the last 1 year or so, and we’ve been together for the past 4+ years, and can’t really think about breaking up.
Please reply.
Thanks!
Ankit,
Thanks for dropping by and taking the time to leave a comment!
I actually have another friend who is in this same predicament, and I’ve been in the same predicament as you have been in before. In my experience, there’s a very slim chance you can turn this around in the middle of the relationship. It may be possible, but it would take an overwhelming amount of effort on your part, and she may not even be willing to make the changes necessary to make it work.
If you guys feel like you love each other enough to give it a shot, then I recommend you both check out the program “Deep Inner Game” by David DeAngelo. It is an amazing program that will help both of you learn how to set strong boundaries, how to develop that sense of self-respect, and how to command it from your partner and other people in your life.
I understand it’s hard after 4+ years of being together, but understand that this is something that is quite insidious to relationships. Over time the problem will only get worse, and in the end you both may forget all of the good times you’ve shared in the relationship because of the constant fighting that comes with the perpetual crossing of “boundaries”.
I wish you the best of luck, and if you have any more questions shoot me a direct e-mail via the contact form in the “Contact” section of this site.
Hey Rahul, thanks for the advice! You’ll definitely be hearing from me on your direct e-mail.
Hi Rahul,
I went through the questions posted by many people and on reading that, I thought of highlighting a scenario to get clear picture on this.
There are few times I felt that I need to be little open in order to get closer to any one. My experience is that initially any friendship or relationship starts very well and I can see very clearly that the other individual likes the way I talk but as the time goes on after few weeks, I have a feeling that I am being used as a point for humour and unnecessary comments from the side of other individual. I get a feeling that his respect on me has got reduced drastically. This has happened many times with whom I know well. I tried to explore the root cause for this by reading many personality development articles but still I am in the middle of dark searching for right reason. Possible reasons I figured out are being pessimistic (from my perspective “Being more practical”), revealing more abt me, my likes and dislikes etc…
Can you shed some light on this scenario and help me to handle the same?
Reason being, if i am going to lead a team and if I make such impression on people working under me, it is not going to fetch me good results. This is just a scenario I highlighted. Not sure if it is an issue with me or people with whom I am moving…
Few more questions –
– Do we really need to be open, humorous, cracking comments to get closer to any one (or) precise and absolute answers for any questions in a very formal way will help me to get closer?
– if I am being very formal, that relation ship will end after office hours and I can never get into those people’s friend’s circle at the same time maintaining at most level of respect – is this not true ?
– What should be one’s approach to be very close to some one irrespective of sex at the same time maintaining perfect level of respect from that individual ?
One more last question for you Rahul.
I have been in the scenarios where I have been praised for inane reasons (atleast from my perspective). How should we react for those praising words even if we know that they are not true. Even if you deny/ keep silent, the same situation continues till you speak up (either accept or shout at them). If you shout, relationship (need not be friendship but some official relationship) will get spoiled. if you accept, it will not get stopped permanently but temporarily a pause may be there. So, accepting those inane comments is not the permanent solution.
I expect them to praise my efforts if they are true to the core. After being in above scenario many times, I am unable to take if they praise me for genuine reasons or I lost the capability for finding the genuine reason for which I need to praised.
I hope you understand the scenario if my words have not explained them clearly
Awaiting for your comments!!!
About your article –
No doubt that this is a true thought provoking article in a positive sense. I had the above questions in my mind for a long time but have never written down. But your article made me to put my thoughts into words. Atleast now I can get answers for my questions:)…
if you wish that you can answer my questions over mail, please do share your email address with me. I have similar questions on different topics on the same lines.
I honestly hope that your article and suggestions will help to get my thoughts structured and handle different scenarios effectively