The Truth about Attraction – Part II: Sparking Attraction
Jun 28th, 2007 by Rahul Bhambhani
You’re in what most men like to call a tough spot.
You’re at the bar, drink is on the way. You look to your left and there she is. The girl of your dreams. Suddenly, the familiar feeling of anxiety sets in, you hesitate for 3 seconds too long, and before you know it, she’s gone. You kick yourself. “She could’ve been the one,” you think to yourself, “but as usual I had to be a coward and let the chance pass me by.”
If you can relate to the situation described above, you’re not alone. This is a common situation for close to 98% (yes, it’s the truth) of men on this planet. Before you get depressed and believe there’s no hope left for mankind, let’s take a look at the lesson to be learned behind this staggering figure.
98% of men feel the same anxiety as you do, and lock up the same way you do when they see a woman they’re attracted to. 98% of men don’t know how to spark attraction properly in such situations. 98% of men could be doing better in their selection of women, and could be with more intelligent, more interesting, more beautiful women if they knew how to spark attraction properly. Certainly, you are not alone. Don’t kick yourself when you make a mistake. Other men are making the same mistakes as you are.
Dealing with the situation
Let’s go back to our “tough spot” and try something different (if only we could rewind in real life).
You’re at the bar, drink is on the way. You look to your left and there she is. The girl of your dreams. Suddenly, the familiar feeling of anxiety sets in, but this time you open your mouth and say “hi” loud enough so that she can hear. You strike up a conversation; she’s laughing, leaning in, and having a great time. The next thing you know you’re leaving with her number, or if you’ve really got it together, leaving with her, hand-in-hand.
How do you get from outcome #1 to outcome #2? Not through manipulation, not through pick up lines or sweet talk; and for you more devious guys, DEFINITELY not through the use of a date drug (if this was your initial idea, go get some help!)
Instead, you reach outcome #2 by being a well-developed, intelligent, interesting, humorous, well-groomed gentleman (see “The Truth about Attraction: Part I: The Basics) who understands the power of body language, sexual communication, and small talk.
Each of these topics will be covered in an article of their own in the future. But for now, let’s just discuss the basics of each.
The power of body language
Body language is by far the most powerful component of attraction, and the most telling aspect of a human being. Used properly, you can say almost anything (insert most ridiculous pick-up line here) and still succeed in attracting 95% of the women you meet. Used improperly, a woman can instantly tell that what you’re saying doesn’t fit with who you really are, and will understand you are trying to manipulate her into liking you.
Body language telegraphs to women the true meaning behind your words. If you walk up to a woman while looking at the ground and say “hi”, she will understand you are too insecure to even make eye contact with her. If you walk up to a woman slowly and confidently while holding eye contact and say “hi”, she will understand you are not intimidated by her looks and are comfortable in your own skin. This is extremely attractive.
When I was first introduced to the concept of body language, I was amazed at how many things I was doing wrong. Some of the most noticeable mistakes were my inability to hold eye contact (I had to consciously fight the urge to look away for a long time), sitting with “closed” body language (with all my limbs scrunched together, rather than spreading them out and having “open” body language), and talking WAY too fast (I was communicating my nerves right off the bat).
The great thing about body language is it’s easy to change with some time and effort. Pay close attention to what you are doing with your body while interacting with a woman. Are you communicating nervousness and insecurity, or are you demonstrating composure and comfort in the situation?
The power of sexual communication
Sexual communication permeates all levels of physical interaction. It’s a completely different language that’s being spoken at all times, whether you understand it or not. If you understand the language, you can see it going on around you all the time. If you don’t understand it, you will not know how to use it, and will have no clue when it is being directed your way.
Women understand sexual communication much better than we men do. The few guys who do know how to communicate in this language can say almost anything, and women will understand the sexual message lying subtly beneath the message’s surface. The language is communicated through the skillful use of body language and tone of voice. Slow bodily movement, holding eye contact a little bit longer than usual, and small nuances in tone of voice signal its presence.
Try and spot sexual communication going on around you. Don’t blatantly eavesdrop on a conversation; that’s disturbing. Instead, watch a woman’s body language from a distance while she interacts with the man she’s with. If she’s doing lots of playful touching (slapping on the shoulder, nudging and giggling, playing with a guy’s hands, etc.) you can bet sexual communication is the reason why. The better you get at spotting it, the better you’ll be able to understand it when you are interacting with a woman. Understanding sexual communication is what separates the men who are REALLY good with women from the men who are just average with women. And you don’t want to be just “average”.
Prior to my education on sexual communication, I too had no idea the language was being spoken all around me. Once I learned how to speak the language, through keen observation and much practice, there was a night and day difference in my interaction with women. Girls wanted to “hang out and watch a movie” more often (yeah, we ALL know what kind of movie she’s talking about), and I began to get a lot more playful “you’re mean, and by mean I mean sexy” slaps on the arm. As you may be able to guess, investing some time in learning this “language” really pays off.
The power of banter (small talk)
It’s light, it’s humorous, it’s fun; it’s exactly what you need when striking up a conversation with a woman you’ve just met. Banter is casual conversation with a twist. It makes the girl laugh, it communicates you are comfortable in your own skin, and it instantly sparks attraction in a woman.
Most guys destroy all chances with a woman before they say anything. They communicate all the wrong things with their body language while approaching (slouch, look away, fiddle with themselves). But for this example, let’s just assume we are talking about one of the above average guys who does all of the right things with his body.
When our above average guy approaches a woman at, lets say the grocery store; he opens the conversation with something natural. He may ask a question about where something is located, or make a comment about something she’s looking at. This will soon lead to a more in-depth conversation. The key phrase here is “something natural”. You don’t want to make the girl feel like you are hitting on her, and you shouldn’t be “hitting on her” anyway until she expresses some sort of interest (we will discuss this later on). We are just trying to start a conversation. If we are comfortable in our own skin, it will be an enjoyable and flirtatious one, and we’ll be leaving with her number. Here’s a personal experience of mine to illustrate what I mean.
While in the cafeteria line at work (2 summers ago), there was a beautiful girl in line right in front of me. I wanted to strike up a conversation with her to see what she was about (remember, she has to have something between those ears), so I waited for a natural opportunity to interject. After she asked the server for a rather disgusting looking plate of green beans, I butted in with a, “Well, doesn’t that look appetizing?” She looked at me with a smile and asked, “Is that sarcasm, or are you being serious?” This was my chance to pick on her some more. “No, I’m being dead serious,” I replied with a serious face. She stared at me for a few seconds, and right before she could say something else I cracked a smile, laughed and said, “Don’t be so serious; lighten up.” Needless to say, we had lunch together and I got her number.
If you are ever in a situation where you have the opportunity to meet a woman who strikes your interest, think about our key phrase, “something natural”. There’s no pressure. Just focus on having an enjoyable conversation with a stranger. Until you overcome your fear of striking up a conversation with a stranger, this will improve you ability to interact with women by leaps and bounds.
Things to do
The first step in being able to spark attraction is to understand the importance of the concepts described above.
Be aware of your behavior when interacting with women. Pay attention to your body language and tone of voice. Are you communicating the same message with your body language, tone of voice, and words? Simply being more aware of your behavior will lead to improvement in these areas.
Slow down your movement, slow down your speech… slow down EVERYTHING! Practice turning your head slowly in the mirror. Practice walking slowly whenever you are out. Women interpret fast movements and fast speech as insecurity, and insecurity is the enemy of attraction.
Sit with open body language. Don’t sit with your limbs scrunched up and close together. Instead, sit with “wide” body language. Spread your legs out, spread your arms out, sit up straight and tilt your head slightly back. “Wide” body language enlarges your presence and communicates power; it can make a small guy seem bigger and more powerful than his frame may suggest.
Deepen your voice. This is not as easy as controlling your body language, but there are plenty of vocal exercises out there to get the job done. Google it. The only thing more unattractive to women than dirty finger nails and body odor is a guy with a Mike Tyson-like voice. Work on it.
Watch the body language of couples around you. Is the guy leaning in and looking desperate while the girl is leaning back, uninterested? Or is the girl leaning in, interested, while the guy is leaning back, secure and comfortable in his own skin? Sharpen your eye for these telltale signs, and you will become better at communicating with your own body language.
Go out and conquer your fear of talking to strangers by talking to five new people every day. It can be as simple as asking for the time, or asking for directions. It doesn’t matter. Once you’ve mastered talking to five strangers, increase it to ten. Keep increasing this number until you feel you are comfortable in these types of situations.
Groom yourself. Cut your fingernails and toenails. Shave if you plan on talking to women. When you bathe, wash yourself 3 times to make sure you get off all of the dirt and odor (it doesn’t come off with just one rinse, sorry guys). Always have a clean haircut; something that suits your facial structure. Gain some sense of style. Ask a lady friend to help you dress fashionably if you don’t know how. I’m not talking metro, just make sure the combinations work. Women notice the smallest things. They spend hours getting ready to look good for you; the least you can do is groom yourself properly.
That’s enough to work on for now. Keep at it, and you will soon be reaping the benefits of the changes you’ve made. I’m excited for you!
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