How to Deal With Criticism
- 26 Comments
“The best of men is he who blushes when you praise him and remains silent when you defame him.”
- Kahlil Gibran
Criticism can actually be a good thing.
Often times it means you’re marching to the beat of your own drum, and in the process you’re reminding others of their own mediocrity. Criticism is their defense mechanism, and by lashing out at you they’re attempting to bring you down to their level so they can feel better about themselves and the decisions they’ve made.
Other times, criticism is directed your way by people you love dearly. Usually well intentioned, it’s often because these people are worried about you or concerned about your future.
Regardless of the source of criticism, we allow people’s attacks to affect the balance of our mind. We get angry, lash back at others, and lose faith in who we are and what we’re trying to accomplish.
Whenever you decide to go against the grain and strive to reach some of your loftier goals, you can bet you’re going to come up against a considerable amount of criticism. For you to succeed in reaching these goals, you must learn to deal with this criticism in a healthy and positive way.
Indian Family + Dropping Out of School = Guaranteed Criticism
When I decided to drop out of school, I had a vague idea of what I was getting myself into.
I mentally prepared for what was sure to be a barrage of criticism in the form of phone calls, e-mails, and personal visits. I determined I was going to tell as few people as possible about my decision, and ignore everyone that tried to force their “wisdom” upon me.
When people called, I didn’t answer. When people e-mailed, I never replied. And when people took the time to visit me at home, I dreaded the prospect of sitting down and chatting with them about my future.
This is how I dealt with the criticism in my life, and let me tell you, running away from it only made things worse. I’ve hurt the people who love me most, and have alienated myself from them in the process. People no longer bother telling me what they think because they know any attempts at conversation will always end up ignored or in an argument.
I’ve closed the door on a potential source of constructive criticism and positive energy in my life, and it’s because I’ve been too immature to learn how to deal with criticism in a healthy way.
15 Months Later
It’s been 15 months since I made the decision to withdraw from school, and the amount of criticism I’ve been subjected to has gone way past even my most extreme expectations.
My mom takes every opportunity she gets to criticize me for not being in school. She tells me I’m lazy. She calls me useless. She makes fun of me in front of her friends. Whenever I tell her a story about one of my friends, she always ends the conversation with, “Well, at least he’s in school Rahul!”
This can be awfully frustrating. At times I find myself engaged in an argument with my mother about my beliefs, or out of anger I’m ignoring her, or in my defense I’m criticizing her for the way she leads her life.
Is this any way to handle criticism? To fight with the person who loves me more than anyone else in the world?
Here I am trying to improve the quality of my life by reading tons of personal development books and attending courses like Vipassana, but for some reason I can’t even do something as simple as leading a proper relationship with my loved ones.
Healthy Ways to Deal with Criticism
As you can tell from my story, criticism can be a terribly negative force if you don’t learn how to deal with it properly. Thankfully, along my journey I’ve learned quite a few healthy ways to handle criticism. I’m nowhere near the expert I strive to be, but I do know that the path I’m on now will eventually get me there. That’s what’s important.
Here are a few techniques and perspectives I’ve learned over the past 15 months that help me deal with criticism in a positive, healthy way. Apply them to your life and I’m confident they’ll do the same for you.
1. Defenselessness - Notice how you always feel the need to defend yourself against the criticism of others. The most important thing you must learn is how to relinquish this need to defend yourself all the time. As long as you defend yourself, criticism always wins the battle over your attempts to maintain a balanced state of mind. This is also the best way to ensure a life of isolation, anger, and broken relationships.
2. Understand the source of peoples’ criticism – Each person will have their own reasons for criticizing you. If you care about the person, it’s your responsibility to figure out the source of their criticism to make sure it doesn’t get in the way of your relationship. Understanding this source will help you lower your guard, because you’ll usually find the person is well intentioned. For example, I’ve come to understand that my mother’s source of criticism is her perceived duty of letting me know when I’m making a mistake. She views my decision to drop out of school as a huge mistake, and she lets me know that whenever she gets a chance. I’m finding it harder and harder to get angry with her as I understand this truth more deeply. Seek to understand others, and you’ll find that the need to defend yourself against criticism will slowly dissolve.
3. Extract the value from others’ perspectives – Once you’ve come to understand the source of a person’s criticism, investigate whether or not his or her perspective has any applicability to your life. Many times you’ll find there is value in what others are trying to tell you, and you’ll be able to mesh their ideas with your own, creating a better approach to reaching your goals altogether. It takes a wise person to set his or her ego aside, and quietly listen to the harsh words of others. It takes an even wiser person to learn a valuable lesson from these harsh words.
4. Believe in yourself – One of the best ways to deal with criticism is to firmly believe in yourself. Believe in your ideas, perspectives, the path you’ve chosen, and the decisions you’ve made. Peoples’ negative comments and criticisms will bounce off of you if you have a tremendous amount of self-confidence. Observe how you react to criticism, and many times you’ll find that whenever you defend your ideas, perspectives, or the decisions you’ve made, it’s because you don’t believe in them wholeheartedly in the first place. If you did, you wouldn’t feel the need to defend them from the attacks of others. Self-confidence is the path to defenselessness.
5. Stop seeking approval – This one has been huge for me. For the longest time I’ve wanted my father’s and mother’s approval, so I would do everything in my power to get it. When they criticized me I would argue persistently, trying to get them to see my point of view. I wanted them to say they believed in me. I wanted them to agree with me so I could feel like I was doing the right thing. I craved their validation. As I’ve progressively relinquished my need for their approval, I’ve noticed I’m not as reactive to their criticism as I was before. Whether or not they believe in me, I realize I have to believe in myself. This is the only way I’ll be able to create the life of my dreams. Who’s approval do you seek? In what way? Why?
Putting it in Perspective
The kind of criticism that hurts the most is from the people who matter most to you in your life. Understand that a majority of the time this stinging criticism originates from a place of love in the critic’s heart. Kindly listen to their words, extract any value these words may provide, and then go back to doing things the way you’ve been doing them.
There’s no need to argue.
There’s no need to defend your ideas, perspectives, and the decisions you’ve made.
There’s no need to prove anything to anyone.
Believe in who you are, the path you’ve chosen, and the decisions you’ve made, and you’ll soon find that criticism no longer stings like it once did.
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- Posted in: Consciousness & Awareness, Relationships
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Hi Rahul,
I think this article is awesome! I think it is a process we all go through. I certainly had to overcome the need to please everyone. And you know what, people are only pleased if they want to be. There is nothing you can do about it.
So be joyful, and don’t listen to the naysayers.
Cheers,
Jeremy
Very well written post.
Constructive criticism is good when it is career related.It is usually said to make you rethink.
Criticism you take seriously.
The rest of it .Well everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
I think we all have this conditioned urge to defend ourselves. The strange thing is that upon analysis it is totally unnecessary. It is largely an issue of ego and how much one identifies with it.
Also unfortunately there will always be someone who does not approve no matter what one does. It is largely a waste of time and effort trying to explain one’s position to everyone. Most do not really care anyway. Only perhaps is the effort worth it when it comes to those who really matter and only then to put our perspective before them, not to argue and attempt to change their mind.
Well written and thank you. Advice drawn from real life experience is the very best advice.
Stephen
@ Jeremy – I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who had to go through such a process!
As you said, people will only be pleased if they want to be pleased. I’ve found that whenever I do try to make the changes my mother and father have asked of me, they still manage to find things they don’t like. Their minds are trained to see only my negative traits ever since I dropped out of school and went against their wishes.
@ Bunny – Nice perspective. Everyone surely is entitled to their own opinion
Constructive criticism is the best, but it’s so sparsely given out that it’s a rarity these days.
@ Stephen – You’re very welcome, my friend. I must agree that this is an issue of the ego, and it takes a considerable amount of effort to gain an awareness of how it influences your every thought and action. As I’ve become increasingly aware of my ego, I’m surprised to realize just how much it influences me.
I love what you’ve said about presenting your idea to those you care about, and leaving it at that. No persuasion or expectations of them changing their mind necessary.
Thanks for the awesome comments, all of you!
Hey Rahul,
I love the way you wrote this article by drawing on your own experience and then leaving us with conclusions too. Only one article from you and I had subscribed to your RSS. Great work and keep it up
Cheers
Vincent
Personal Development Blogger
Rahul .. terrible article!
Only joking .. I love it! Great advice in 5 steps and I, for one, am happy you dropped out of school … your own passion for learning comes through clearly in your blog. I suspect the freedom of following your own self development path is much better served this way than following someone else’s structure at school.
I’d like to add to point 2 .. understanding the other’s perspective. I would say that criticism is ALWAYS about the other’s perspective and not much about what we do. It’s a great skill to be able to hear through the critical words of others and try to understand what they are really trying to tell us. For example, I would guess that your mother, when she sees you drop out of school, is feeling scared and confused and is expressing (albeit in an unskilled way), her care and love for you, her need for you to be safe and happy .. plus a desire to understand. Often hard to see the beauty hiding under criticism .. but I do believe it’s always there! Ian
Oh, this article took me back! My ex-boyfriend is Indian and I was his first girlfriend. We dated in college and I didn’t feel right letting him spend his parents’ money on taking me out while lying about having a girlfriend. Let’s just say I should have listened to him when he said that telling them was a bad idea.
Indian parents can be particularly harsh, with expectations and demands much greater than other parents. They also tend to have a much lower tolerance for risk. It makes sense when you think that most Indian parents grew up in India during extremely volatile times.
Anyway, you will probably won’t get them round to your way of thinking unless you are financially successful. Don’t take it personally – you literally grew up in two different worlds.
@ Vincent – Thanks so much for the compliments! I’m happy you liked the article, and even happier you subscribed
@ Ian – You’re absolutely right. I deem myself extremely fortunate to have the freedom I do to explore this path of personal development and spirituality. I know it’s yielded many more benefits than any structured system could ever provide.
Your addition is awesome! It is ALWAYS about the other person’s perspective. Their criticism is a projection of themselves. You’ve hit the nail on the head when describing what my mother is going through right now. I know she’s well intentioned in her criticism, and she’s just trying to express her love and concern for me. Sometimes I wish she would learn how to do it a bit better, haha, but I know that the only way to change my “external” environment is to first work on my internal environment.
Thanks for the insightful comment, Ian.
@ Hayden – Finally someone who understands! Your description of Indian parents is spot on, however, my parents are a bit more lenient. They aren’t very traditional, so they’ve given me a lot more freedom and flexibility to do what I want to do. Hence the reason why my father still allows me to live at home despite dropping out of school against his wishes
But you are right. Some Indian parents are an absolute NIGHTMARE.
I’ve gotten past the need to sway them to see my point of view. I understand that they can’t understand it because of their upbringing and their experiences in the past. I just present them with my decision, and leave it at that.
Thanks for dropping by and leaving a comment!
Hi,
Came across your blog for the first time. I like your writing style and how you manage to bind your personal stories to inspire and give advice.
Regards
Sham
I always knew you were my brother from another mother! lol Great article!!
I went through many of the same things, left school for biz, family had lots of brilliant insights on how my life should go. Fortunately, parents were actually a little supportive, mainly relatives were disapproving. Really how I was able to look at it, kind of in addition to your “Putting it Into Perspective,” is every time someone had something to chastise me about I patiently listen and in my head remembered that they have not accomplished what I am going to accomplish.
The best “revenge” is massive success! We are on our way to the top my friend, keep up the great work! Have a wonderful day.
Joe
This is an excellent article Rahul. You’ve covered all areas of this topic well and done an excellent job giving practical tips and ways to use this in day to day life.
My piece of feedback about this is more specific than anything about your article. I personally really hate the word, ‘criticism’ as it makes anyone hear it instantly pull back or get defensive. I find that calling it feedback and having that general term for encouraging and adjusting feedback is far more useful as it doesn’t have the usual negative connotations with it then.
Great stuff!
@ Sham – Thank you for the kind words! I’m glad you like the blog.
@ Joe – Hahaha, you were right my friend. Our stories are very similar. I agree that the only way they will ever understand is if they see the real world results of our efforts. All in due time.
@ Mike – I like your perspective. I can see how the word “criticism” has a negative connotation, and the word “feedback” instead would be a more soothing word selection for most people due to its positive connotations. Ultimately it’s the listener that interprets the message and decides whether it is “positive” or “negative”. The message itself is neither until it is made one or the other, as you explained in your great article on this subject.
I’m glad you liked the article, and thanks for the kind words!
Agree Rahul, if we receive positive criticism, we have to use it to develop our lack, on the contrary if we receive negative criticism, we have to be deaf and believe in ourselves.
Thanks for sharing your experience, Rahul.
Hey Rahul,
I have been a reader of your blog since past few days and must say its an impressive read. I also went through your biography, you must be a very strong person to take such a step. It would be great if you could share more of your thoughts regarding how do you plan to make an impact on the society. I agree that the current education system is not up to the mark and its in our hands to bring about some change. It would be nice if you could divulge more on this.
Keep up the good work!
What a brilliant article Rahul. I would like to invite you to join in the 30 day challenge on my blog. I am hoping to get 50 highly motivated persons like yourself so that we can uplift and inspire one another. I hope you will join us.
@ Arswino – I’m glad you enjoyed the article and grasped its main points. Thanks so much for the comment!
@ Isha – Thanks so much for the compliments! I’m glad you like the blog and are finding it to be beneficial.
I’ve actually written a guest post on my friend Jeremy Day’s website Insight Writer on ways we can improve the schooling system. You can find the article here: http://www.insightwriter.com/2008/11/25/4-ways-improve-schooling-system/
My plan is to continue investing in my personal development, and continue sharing with others what I find. Eventually I want to create a system that helps people make huge leaps in their levels of consciousness. I believe that the MOST important thing we can do as human beings is get back in touch with our Essence (our True state of Being). As I continue to grow spiritually, I want to actively help others do the same. This is the career path I’ve chosen, and as I’m sure you can tell, this blog is an expression of my desire to help others realize their true potential in all areas of their life.
Thank you for expressing an interest in my life, and the path I’ve chosen. I do hope you continue to stop by and contribute to the discussion
@ Carol – Thank you for the compliment! I would love to join your group of motivated individuals. Thanks for extending the offer! I’ll drop by your site and sign up.
Hi Rahul, so glad u will join us. No need to sign up for anything just stop by the site and tell us what your goal is and how you intend to go it. Then from time to time I would ask that you stop by and give us an update on how you are doing. Great to have you along.
http://inspired-journey.blogspot.com/2008/12/please-join-my-30-day-challenge.html
Rahul,
This is my first time reading your blog. I’m 28 years old and I’ve been frequently fighting with my mother lately. I recently moved back in with her to start a new career that she and I both are very proud of. I find that she mostly attacks my personality traits (not so much my career choices) and this has been really difficult to deal with. However, your story has been really encouraging and practical. Thank you for sharing your newfound knowledge and experiences. I think your comments are practical, encouraging, and well written. Keep up the good work !
Kay – I’m so glad to hear you found the article practical and helpful in dealing with your mother’s criticism!
Your feedback is very motivating, and I’d like to thank you for taking the time to stop by and let me know what you think. I appreciate it.
Hi, you’re definitely right. A minute ago i was so shocked coz my thesis advisor, who had been so nice for months, critisized my work so severely. I almost cried listened to his critics, which were actually very true. I could feel that his critics was purely to help me, but since I am not accustomed to being critisized in my life, and since I’ve been working so hard (according to my standard, not his), I felt so terrible. Reading your suggestions cheers me up. Some people critisize me coz they do care about if. if don’t they wont waste their energy for this. Thanks.
@ lilis – Thanks for dropping by and leaving a comment! I’m very glad to hear that you enjoyed the article and found it helpful.
Rahul, i’m pretty sure you will make something big out of your life, you’re very young and seem very mature, and an enterpreneur
Strenght grows out of struggle!
Good luck with your journey!
Greetings from Mexico,
Jorge
@ Jorge – Thanks for taking the time to drop by, and thank you very much for the compliments! They’re flattering indeed
I hope all is well down there in Mexico!
[...] Bhambhani presents How to Deal with Criticism posted at Personal Development Advice, Tools to Improve the Quality of your Life, saying, [...]
[...] Bhambhani presents How to Deal with Criticism posted at Personal Development Advice, Tools to Improve the Quality of your Life, saying, [...]
[...] Bhambhani presents How to Deal with Criticism posted at Personal Development Advice, Tools to Improve the Quality of your Life, saying, [...]