“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.”

- John F. Kennedy

Would you consider yourself to be a truly grateful person?

Are you a rare person that appreciates everything (good or bad) in your life, and takes no moment for granted?

If so, you can stop reading now. If not (the majority of us), please continue reading.

Focus on What You DO Have

Each day we awaken to a world of infinite possibility. We can spend our days any way we please, and we take full advantage of this right. We indulge by eating wonderful food, driving luxurious cars (if you don’t think your 1996 Corolla is luxurious, compare it to what the rest of the world drives), spending time with our loved ones, and engaging in many entertaining activities each day.

But somewhere along the line we began taking this right for granted. As a result, we’ve stopped smelling the roses along the way of our journey through life. I can’t count the number of times I’ve come across someone who has so many things in their life to be grateful for, but instead, he or she focuses on the things he or she does not have in his or her life.

When we begin to focus on the things we don’t have, we lose sight of all the gifts we have been blessed with.  Our ingratitude then transforms itself into greed, lust, or even worse, misery.

My Experience

Gratitude is a value I’ve been struggling to incorporate into my life for a long time now. At times, I’ve been reckless with my behavior, and have had no consideration for anything in my environment. I lacked appreciation for all that I was blessed with, and my actions overwhelmingly showed it. Perhaps this is a phase everyone passes through growing up, but I believe I’ve had it worse than most.

I’ve come a long way over the past two years.  I can attribute part of this growth to the natural maturation process. However, just as much of this growth is a result of my adoption of new paradigms. Consequently, I’ve started viewing gratitude as a way of life, rather than as something to be focused on momentarily. This perception has drastically improved the quality of my life on a day-to-day basis. Each day is a joyous occasion, regardless of if something horrible happens, or it’s the most fortunate day of my life.

Although it took me over two years to reach this point in my development, it certainly won’t take you as long. Commit to taking a few simple actions each day, and gratitude will become a way of life for you too.

Surface-level Gratitude

Most human beings view gratitude as a momentary interruption in their thought process.

Before we sleep, we thank God for all of the good things we have in our life. Often times we complement this thanks with a request for more “stuff”. If we are truly grateful for what we already have, why the hell are we asking for even more things?

Other times, it occurs to us that we’re being so ungrateful, that we have no choice but to remind ourselves to be grateful. We realize that we were wrong in taking things for granted, and we proclaim confidently that we’ll never let it happen again. The next day, to our dismay, we’re back at square one, taking things for granted like never before! I’ve gone through this process a countless number of times.

In both examples above, we’re paying attention to something called “surface-level gratitude.” We are attempting to be grateful for specific things (material and beyond) in our life (money, relationships, success). If we were to translate this type of gratitude into words, it would look something like this:

• I am grateful for my relationships
• I am grateful for my health
• I am grateful for my success
• I am grateful for my income
• I am grateful for food and shelter

When we forget to be grateful, these are the affirmations we recite to ourselves. This makes us feel better temporarily, and deludes us into thinking we’re being truly grateful. Life goes on, and so does this circular thought process.

There is absolutely no true fulfillment to be obtained by viewing gratitude with this perspective. In order to experience true gratitude, we must carry it permanently with us everywhere we go.

Gratitude must become a way of life.

A New Way of Life

All of us have so many things to be grateful for. It doesn’t matter if you’re tremendously successful, or if you’re miserably poor. There are certain things we as human beings share in common at a basic level.  When we are grateful for these fundamental gifts, we experience a much deeper level of gratitude, “true gratitude”. If we learn to get in touch with it, each and every one of us can experience a more joyous, fulfilling, appreciative life.

Be grateful for the following:

• All of us have been given the gift of life
• All of us have been given the gift of nature
• All of us have been given the gift of the mind
• All of us have been given the gift of a wondrous, supportive universe

Once we internalize these truths, we can then experience a gratitude for existence itself. Everywhere we go, we will carry this gratitude with us. Each day we will wake up feeling grateful for the day ahead of us, regardless of our present circumstances.

If we truly appreciate the gift of life, for example, anything that comes our way will be viewed as a joyous experience. The next time someone treats us the wrong way, we will be grateful for the experience. The next time we are feeling sad, we will be grateful for the experience. The next time we feel tremendously successful, we will be grateful for the experience. Good or bad, we will understand that all experiences are a byproduct of life itself, and that they all contribute to our overall experience of this life.

Making the Transition

To shift our paradigm from one of “surface-level gratitude” to one of “true gratitude” we must learn to express gratitude for everything in our reality. The best way to do this is to focus your gratitude on things that you would never thought you would be grateful for. For example, if I’m taking a shower, I will say to myself, “I am grateful for the shiny metal on the shower head.”

Whenever something overwhelmingly negative is happening in your life, take a step back, and be grateful for it. Not only because it is an experience that will undoubtedly contribute to your growth, but also because it is another one of those byproducts of life itself.

Yes, I know it sounds ridiculous. However, if you do this often enough, soon what you’ll find is that you’ll no longer be saying, “I’m grateful for x.” Instead, you will simply say “I’m grateful.” The gratitude you are feeling every day by focusing your attention on seemingly unimportant things will carry over to all areas of your life. It will slowly become a permanent, all encompassing expression of being.

Do Not Utter Words, Live By Them

Making the shift to “true gratitude” is by far one of the most empowering paradigm shifts I’ve made in my lifetime. Although I know I haven’t completed the transition process completely yet, the progress I have made thus far has contributed to an enhanced experience of life itself.

Each day is joyous. Each day is a gift.

Commit to focusing your gratitude on anything and everything in your reality, and you will soon find that this gratitude has become a permanent state of being. You will no longer feel grateful, you will be grateful. You will no longer utter words of gratitude to yourself; you will live by them, as JFK once said. And in doing so, your life will be full of joy, fulfillment, and appreciation.

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Before you begin reading this post, I want you to ask yourself a few questions.

What do you have to offer to others?

What do you have to offer to each new person you meet?

What do you have to offer to your existing relationships?

What do you have to offer to the world at large?

Are you the kind of person who expects a lot out of your relationships but gives little? Maybe you’re the kind of person who expects little, but gives a lot. Perhaps you’re a bit of both, and you expect a lot and give a lot.

Out of these possibilities, is there a clear best choice?

“Win-Win”

Yes, there is a clear best choice.

If you are to lead successful relationships, it is important that you are the kind of person who expects a lot, and gives a lot. This is a “Win-Win” situation in which both parties benefit from interaction. “Win-Win” relationships are nourishing, energizing, and are powerful tools that can spark tremendous growth. In this type of relationship there is a mutual exchange of ideas, thoughts, energy, and support. Only people who have a lot to offer can experience a “Win-Win” relationship, because it is a highly interdependent relationship. Its basis is in mutual exchange.

If you’re currently the type of person who is coasting along in life, expecting to have stellar relationships without having much to offer, I’ve got news for you.

You’ll never build high quality relationships!

Why is that? It’s because strong attracts strong; like attracts like. You’ll never catch an eagle flying with pigeons. The same applies to your relationships. If you’re the kind of person who is stagnant, emotionally immature, and draining, how will you ever attract people that are dynamic, emotionally mature, and energizing into your life? You won’t!

If you have managed to attract strong, well-developed people into your life, it’s either by luck, or because they have no choice but to be around you (parents, siblings). This isn’t a “Win-Win” situation. It’s a “Win-Lose” situation where the strong people in your life are losing, and you are “winning” because they have no alternative but to put up with you.

Don’t fool yourself into believing you’re actually contributing something to the relationship. It’s time to wake up and make some changes! It’s time to shift towards a “Win-Win” mindset.

Something For Nothing

Often times I hear men say, “I want to find an awesome girl,” or I hear women say, “I want to find Mr. Perfect.” When I ask them how they define an “awesome” girl, or “Mr. Perfect,” they give the standard description of the perfectly well-rounded individual.

You know the description I’m talking about: the guy that is amazing socially, physically, mentally, and financially, or the girl that is gorgeous, intelligent, independent, and outgoing. Then I ask the person if they are all of these things, and more often than not they reply “no, not really.” Notice the problem?

These people are looking to get something for nothing. If they don’t possess the qualities of their “perfect” guy or girl, how are they going to attract someone like that into their life? Start transforming yourself into the strong, attractive, financially independent individual you wish to attract, and I assure you it won’t be long before this person comes into your life.

How Can You Contribute?

You probably aren’t an extreme “Win-Lose” oriented person, like the one described above. Regardless of where you currently stand,  however, you can still grow and add to your arsenal of what you have to offer to others.

I’ll warn you ahead of time that it’s going to require a significant investment of your time. If you’re willing to invest in yourself,  you will experience a noticeable increase in the quality of your relationships. Here are a few suggestions to get you started (specific suggestions in parenthesis):

• Take up exciting new activities (skydiving, martial arts, marathon running, rock climbing, scuba diving)
• Read personal development books that address your problem areas
• Get a gym membership, sign up with a personal trainer, and get into shape
• Purchase David DeAngelo’s E-book and materials on “Women and Dating”
• Study the psychology of the mind, and learn how to handle your internal issues (Dr. Paul’s Mind OS)
• Learn new skills (meditation, yoga, creative writing, public speaking)
• Travel the world and experience new places and cultures
• Write a personal mission statement (specify your values and what’s most important to you in life)
• Define your life’s purpose (How to Discover your Life’s Purpose in 20 Minutes)

When you invest in yourself you’ll become a more interesting, well-rounded individual. You’ll have more experiences to share, more things to talk about, and more positive energy to offer others. You’ll mature emotionally, and will be more purposeful in your actions. You’ll be an individual who is growth-oriented, dynamic, and lots of fun to be around.

Aren’t these the kind of people you want to attract into your life? If so, remember, you have to be that kind of person first.

Give First, Receive Second

Don’t be that person who is looking to get something for nothing. The next time you find yourself unsatisfied with the relationships in your life, ask yourself, “What can I do to offer more?” Answer this question, and you will find the solution to your problems. The more you have to offer to others, the more you will receive from others.

Invest in yourself, and soon enough similarly invested people will begin to flow into your life. Not to your surprise, you will find yourself in a position to build highly interdependent, energizing, and mutually supportive relationships with these people. You took the time to invest in yourself. You became the change you wanted to see in the world. You decided to ask, “How can I give first?” and now you will receive. You deserve it.

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Stop. Take a few moments to evaluate your character. How would you describe yourself? Are you courageous? Generous? Arrogant? Manipulative? Optimistic? Pessimistic? Resilient? Judgmental? Hateful? Loyal? Haughty? Humble? Easygoing? Respectful?

The words listed above are specific characteristics. If you were to compile a comprehensive list of your own characteristics, you would be looking at a mirror image of yourself. Take a moment to create your own list, and hold on to it. We will be using it as a point of reference later on in the article.

Evaluate Your Character

Character defines who we are. When we judge someone else, we judge them based on character. For example, when someone opens their mouth and something illogical comes out, many of us write the person off as unintelligent or “slow”. When someone always seems to do the right thing, we classify him/her as noble. When someone is constantly negative, we consider him/her pessimistic. These judgments occur in an instant, and whether they are right or wrong, they influence how we feel about a person.

If we are so quick to judge others based on character, why do so many of us fail to judge ourselves based on our character? We get caught up in what others think of us, or we lie to ourselves and convince ourselves we’re something we’re not. Many of us judge ourselves based on our accomplishments, yet fail to question our integrity and honesty in achieving these accomplishments. Instead of being so quick to judge others, take a look in the mirror and evaluate yourself. Perhaps you will see something you weren’t expecting. You may realize it’s time to make a few changes.

“The Guy in the Glass”

There’s a poem I read a couple of weeks ago which sums up the importance of character.

When you get what you want in your struggle for wealth,
And the world makes you King for a day,
Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that guy has to say.

For it isn’t your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
Who judgement upon you must pass.
The feller whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the guy staring back from the glass.

He’s the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
For he’s with you clear up to the end,
And you’ve passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the guy in the glass is your friend.

You may be like Jack Horner and “chisel” a plum,
And think you’re a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you’re only a bum
If you can’t look him straight in the eye.

You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you’ve cheated the guy in the glass.

As described in the poem, at the end of the day the only person you have to answer to is yourself. How do you make sure the guy/gal in the glass is always satisfied with who you are?

The key is to make sure you have done nothing that unsettles your subconscious mind. As described in my previous post, at the center of your being you know who you are and you know what you want. I firmly believe we humans are good natured at our core, and that our good nature is deeply rooted in our subconscious mind. However, sometimes people get so far off track in their lives that their true nature gets buried at the bottom of their subconscious mind. This would explain why there are murders, thieves, rapists, and other criminals in our society today.

We take action and make decisions based on our character. If you are arrogant, selfish, and disrespectful, when you look in the mirror you’re not going to be happy with what you see. If, instead, you are generous, loving, and respectful, when you look in the mirror you will be happy with what you see. We can describe this satisfaction as “peace of mind”. To illustrate what I mean, here’s an example from my own life.

My father has reached a state of contentment and peace of mind. Whenever I ask him how he reached this state of mind, his answer is always the same. “I’ve lived my life in such a way that when I put my head down on my pillow, my mind is absolutely clear. I have nothing to be ashamed of.” He’s a man of integrity, honesty, responsibility, and respect. He has managed to develop these characteristics over the past 55 years, and as a result he is content and at peace with himself.

Similarly, I have been striving to mold myself into an individual who is capable of experiencing “peace of mind”. As I become more courageous, trustworthy, responsible, mature, educated, and loving, I’ve realized a shift towards serenity in my life. Whenever I look in the mirror nowadays, I find myself much happier and much more content with the person I am than I was a few months ago.

Develop High Character

Look at the list you compiled a few minutes ago. As you read each of your characteristics, ask yourself if the trait you’re looking at contributes to your peace of mind, or if it takes away from it. Does the trait bring positive energy to you and this world, or does it bring you and others down?

If you are completely honest with yourself, you will see a few of these negative characteristics as you scroll down your list. This is perfectly normal and quite fixable. The first step in developing a high quality character is the ability to acknowledge your flaws. Once you’re aware of them, you can begin the process of changing them.

Now that you’ve identified your disempowering characteristics, you must decide what you want to replace them with. Here are a few examples to get you started:

• Arrogance transforms into humility
• Self-centeredness transforms into loving and contributory
• Insulting transforms into complimentary
• Pessimist transforms into optimist
• Unappreciative transforms into gracious
• Spiteful transforms into forgiving
• Argumentative transforms into agreeable

We humans have the amazing ability to transmute negative energy into positive energy simply by shifting our thoughts. By compiling a comprehensive list of your characteristics, you are raising your awareness towards your character flaws. The next time these flaws rear their ugly heads, you will have the power to consciously replace them with the actions of their empowering substitutes. Keep this awareness up for a month, and what you’ll find is that some positive transformations have taken place.

I’ve found it’s better to pay close attention to one characteristic at a time. You can try to devote your attention to all of the traits you would like to change at one time, but it might not be as effective. Aim for gradual change, this way you will avoid feeling overwhelmed. For the first 30 days, it will take a considerable amount of focus and willpower to replace your old, negative characteristics with new, empowering ones. However, once you get past this initial stage it will be smooth sailing. Stick with it!

Observe the People Around You

I learned an exercise a while back that has proven to be greatly beneficial in my own character development. Give it a try.

• Write down the names of 3 people you despise (or dislike)
• Write down the traits you despise most about these three individuals
• Write down the names of 3 people you admire
• Write down the traits you admire most about these three individuals

The traits you wrote down about the people you despise the most are characteristics that constitute your “dark side”. They are a part of your character, and subversively influence your actions and decisions. At first I didn’t believe this to be true; however, I soon learned after doing this exercise that the above statement was remarkably accurate. If you can observe the negative traits in others, the traits are also certainly inside of you.

The traits you wrote down about the people you admire most are traits you love about yourself, but that you are repressing. These are traits which could become your greatest strengths if you acknowledge them as a part of you, and choose to develop them.

When I did this exercise a while back, I found I admired courage, modesty, and self-confidence. At the time, I was repressing these traits. I have since embraced them as characteristics of myself trying to burst out from within. The results have been remarkable. I feel as though I discovered a new path of growth. Each step I take along the way is extremely rewarding.

As you can see, doing this exercise can provide you with a great deal of insight. You can easily identify those characteristics within you would consider flaws, and discover those characteristics within you that you would consider empowering. The next time you notice yourself looking down at someone; realize the characteristic you are looking down at is also a part of who you are. The next time you find yourself admiring someone; realize the characteristic you’re admiring is also within you, waiting to be acknowledged and set free.

A Lifelong Journey

Building character is definitely a lifelong journey. There will always be some part of your character you can develop to the next level. As you make progress in this area, you will notice the quality of your life is constantly improving. Your reality is increasingly generous towards you. More opportunities arise, people are nicer to you, and the environment is more favorable for your success.

No matter who you are today, understand that tomorrow doesn’t have to be like yesterday. Don’t let your past dictate the present and the future. Make the choice to develop your character today. Make that guy in the glass happy!

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