“The best of men is he who blushes when you praise him and remains silent when you defame him.”

- Kahlil Gibran

Criticism can actually be a good thing.

Often times it means you’re marching to the beat of your own drum, and in the process you’re reminding others of their own mediocrity. Criticism is their defense mechanism, and by lashing out at you they’re attempting to bring you down to their level so they can feel better about themselves and the decisions they’ve made.

Other times, criticism is directed your way by people you love dearly. Usually well intentioned, it’s often because these people are worried about you or concerned about your future.

Regardless of the source of criticism, we allow people’s attacks to affect the balance of our mind. We get angry, lash back at others, and lose faith in who we are and what we’re trying to accomplish.

Whenever you decide to go against the grain and strive to reach some of your loftier goals, you can bet you’re going to come up against a considerable amount of criticism. For you to succeed in reaching these goals, you must learn to deal with this criticism in a healthy and positive way.

Indian Family + Dropping Out of School = Guaranteed Criticism

When I decided to drop out of school, I had a vague idea of what I was getting myself into.

I mentally prepared for what was sure to be a barrage of criticism in the form of phone calls, e-mails, and personal visits. I determined I was going to tell as few people as possible about my decision, and ignore everyone that tried to force their “wisdom” upon me.

When people called, I didn’t answer. When people e-mailed, I never replied. And when people took the time to visit me at home, I dreaded the prospect of sitting down and chatting with them about my future.

This is how I dealt with the criticism in my life, and let me tell you, running away from it only made things worse. I’ve hurt the people who love me most, and have alienated myself from them in the process. People no longer bother telling me what they think because they know any attempts at conversation will always end up ignored or in an argument.

I’ve closed the door on a potential source of constructive criticism and positive energy in my life, and it’s because I’ve been too immature to learn how to deal with criticism in a healthy way.

15 Months Later

It’s been 15 months since I made the decision to withdraw from school, and the amount of criticism I’ve been subjected to has gone way past even my most extreme expectations.

My mom takes every opportunity she gets to criticize me for not being in school. She tells me I’m lazy. She calls me useless. She makes fun of me in front of her friends. Whenever I tell her a story about one of my friends, she always ends the conversation with, “Well, at least he’s in school Rahul!”

This can be awfully frustrating. At times I find myself engaged in an argument with my mother about my beliefs, or out of anger I’m ignoring her, or in my defense I’m criticizing her for the way she leads her life.

Is this any way to handle criticism? To fight with the person who loves me more than anyone else in the world?

Here I am trying to improve the quality of my life by reading tons of personal development books and attending courses like Vipassana, but for some reason I can’t even do something as simple as leading a proper relationship with my loved ones.

Healthy Ways to Deal with Criticism

As you can tell from my story, criticism can be a terribly negative force if you don’t learn how to deal with it properly. Thankfully, along my journey I’ve learned quite a few healthy ways to handle criticism. I’m nowhere near the expert I strive to be, but I do know that the path I’m on now will eventually get me there. That’s what’s important.

Here are a few techniques and perspectives I’ve learned over the past 15 months that help me deal with criticism in a positive, healthy way. Apply them to your life and I’m confident they’ll do the same for you.

1. Defenselessness - Notice how you always feel the need to defend yourself against the criticism of others. The most important thing you must learn is how to relinquish this need to defend yourself all the time. As long as you defend yourself, criticism always wins the battle over your attempts to maintain a balanced state of mind. This is also the best way to ensure a life of isolation, anger, and broken relationships.

2. Understand the source of peoples’ criticism – Each person will have their own reasons for criticizing you. If you care about the person, it’s your responsibility to figure out the source of their criticism to make sure it doesn’t get in the way of your relationship. Understanding this source will help you lower your guard, because you’ll usually find the person is well intentioned. For example, I’ve come to understand that my mother’s source of criticism is her perceived duty of letting me know when I’m making a mistake. She views my decision to drop out of school as a huge mistake, and she lets me know that whenever she gets a chance. I’m finding it harder and harder to get angry with her as I understand this truth more deeply. Seek to understand others, and you’ll find that the need to defend yourself against criticism will slowly dissolve.

3. Extract the value from others’ perspectives – Once you’ve come to understand the source of a person’s criticism, investigate whether or not his or her perspective has any applicability to your life. Many times you’ll find there is value in what others are trying to tell you, and you’ll be able to mesh their ideas with your own, creating a better approach to reaching your goals altogether. It takes a wise person to set his or her ego aside, and quietly listen to the harsh words of others. It takes an even wiser person to learn a valuable lesson from these harsh words.

4. Believe in yourself – One of the best ways to deal with criticism is to firmly believe in yourself. Believe in your ideas, perspectives, the path you’ve chosen, and the decisions you’ve made. Peoples’ negative comments and criticisms will bounce off of you if you have a tremendous amount of self-confidence. Observe how you react to criticism, and many times you’ll find that whenever you defend your ideas, perspectives, or the decisions you’ve made, it’s because you don’t believe in them wholeheartedly in the first place. If you did, you wouldn’t feel the need to defend them from the attacks of others. Self-confidence is the path to defenselessness.

5. Stop seeking approval – This one has been huge for me. For the longest time I’ve wanted my father’s and mother’s approval, so I would do everything in my power to get it. When they criticized me I would argue persistently, trying to get them to see my point of view. I wanted them to say they believed in me. I wanted them to agree with me so I could feel like I was doing the right thing. I craved their validation. As I’ve progressively relinquished my need for their approval, I’ve noticed I’m not as reactive to their criticism as I was before. Whether or not they believe in me, I realize I have to believe in myself. This is the only way I’ll be able to create the life of my dreams. Who’s approval do you seek? In what way? Why?

Putting it in Perspective

The kind of criticism that hurts the most is from the people who matter most to you in your life. Understand that a majority of the time this stinging criticism originates from a place of love in the critic’s heart. Kindly listen to their words, extract any value these words may provide, and then go back to doing things the way you’ve been doing them.

There’s no need to argue.

There’s no need to defend your ideas, perspectives, and the decisions you’ve made.

There’s no need to prove anything to anyone.

Believe in who you are, the path you’ve chosen, and the decisions you’ve made, and you’ll soon find that criticism no longer stings like it once did.

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“We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.”

- Winston Churchill

Are you the kind of person that loves to give something to each person you meet?

By “something” I don’t necessarily mean a material gift. You may give them a compliment, bless them with a prayer, or wish them well.

If so, then I’m assuming you’re someone who receives much of the same in return, and you’re living a life of true abundance.

Dynamic Exchange

At all levels of life, we can observe the process of giving and receiving. It’s a dynamic exchange that must exist in order for life to perpetuate itself. Everything at the most basic level is engaged in giving and receiving. Energy is given, energy is received. When studying the human body we see this dynamic exchange in action once again. One type of cell may require the assistance of another type of cell in our body, and in turn the helped cell will provide a different service back to the cell that just helped it out. This is a critical process, and without it, life would cease to exist.

If giving and receiving is such a fundamental part of life itself, then the same law must also apply to our interpersonal interaction. If we wish to receive, we must first give to others. The more we give, the more we will receive.

If you’re someone who doesn’t have the financial means to give a lot, don’t freak and start thinking you’re doomed for the rest of your life. Giving doesn’t require you to shower everyone you meet with material gifts; it just requires that you give from your heart with sincerity. The next time you go over to a friend’s house, or run into someone while walking down the street, pay him or her a sincere compliment. If that’s too much, silently wish him or her will in your mind.

In order to reap the benefits of giving and receiving, you must enjoy the act of giving. If you give for the sake of receiving, that’s no good. You must take pleasure in the act of giving itself. Sincerity is the key catalyst in this dynamic exchange.

Giving Creates Abundance

Abundance begins with the proper mindset. When you give, what you’re telling your subconscious mind is, “I am experiencing abundance; so much so that I can give something to every single person I meet.” By communicating this message repeatedly to your subconscious mind, you subtly transform into a new human being. Your thoughts, choices, and actions will be influenced by this new mindset of abundance. It’s only a matter of time before you start attracting your deepest desires into your reality.

Nature abhors a vacuum. I’ve heard this phrase from many different self-development gurus, and I’m coming to understand what they mean by it. There’s no better way to communicate your faith in abundance to the universe than to give away that which you no longer need. Whenever you give away something, you make space for something new. Nature quickly fills this gap with something bigger and better than you had before. Don’t believe me? Try emptying out your closet. It won’t be long before all of the clothes you gave away are replaced with new clothes you will enjoy and use for a long time.

By giving something to each person you meet, you are creating a significant amount of good karma in your life. The law of karma states that the actions you take in each moment add up to your results in the future. If you’re constantly giving on a daily basis, you can be sure the life you’re creating for yourself in the future is a great one.

How to Receive

Remember, we’re talking about giving and receiving here. One can’t exist without the other. When you give, it’s absolutely critical that you allow yourself to receive also. When it’s your time to receive, receive with open arms. Accept the material gifts, prayers, and blessings people send your way cheerfully and gratefully. Understand that you are receiving because you have been sincerely giving. You deserve it!

I know many people who give willingly, but have a huge problem with receiving. I think it’s because they’ve been programmed to believe that receiving is a bad thing. If you’re one of these people, realize that giving and receiving must go together. It’s a dynamic exchange, a flow if you will, where both parts must exist in order for the process to work. If you cut off either end of the process, you begin to constrict the flow of good things into your life and into the lives of others. Don’t let this happen. Choose to receive with open arms, and be grateful for everything that comes your way. By doing so, you keep the dynamic flow in motion.

Where You Can Begin

There are many places you can immediately put the Law of Giving into practice. A great starting place is your family. Think about how much your mother and father have given you over the course of your lifetime. You have received many benefits, but how much have you given back? If you’ve been taking these blessings for granted, it’s time to make some drastic changes. Perhaps you can begin by learning how to express true gratitude, and in time you will be able to reciprocate all that you have received from your family.

Your friendships are another great place where you can begin to put the Law of Giving into action. By putting this law into action, over time you will enjoy much stronger relationships. If you haven’t done so already, read my article ‘Form Strong Relationships by Having More to Offer’. It goes in-depth on this topic.

Start Right Away

Make a conscious effort to give something to everyone and anyone you meet. It’s not what you give, but how you give it. You can give the person a flower, a compliment, or a blessing. These things don’t cost money, but they are significant as long as they are given from the heart. Remember, giving should always be an enjoyable experience. If you feel as though you’ve lost something in the process, then it’s not true giving.

If this article has made you aware of the fact that you’re not much of a giver, then you’ve got something to work on! Start giving right away, and get this powerful law working for you in your life. The more you give, the more you will receive. When it’s your turn to receive, choose to be grateful for everything coming your way, and accept it with open arms. By giving and receiving, you perpetuate the dynamic flow of good things into your life, and into the lives of everyone you come into contact with. The natural result is true abundance.

Cheers to that!

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Before you begin reading this post, I want you to ask yourself a few questions.

What do you have to offer to others?

What do you have to offer to each new person you meet?

What do you have to offer to your existing relationships?

What do you have to offer to the world at large?

Are you the kind of person who expects a lot out of your relationships but gives little? Maybe you’re the kind of person who expects little, but gives a lot. Perhaps you’re a bit of both, and you expect a lot and give a lot.

Out of these possibilities, is there a clear best choice?

“Win-Win”

Yes, there is a clear best choice.

If you are to lead successful relationships, it is important that you are the kind of person who expects a lot, and gives a lot. This is a “Win-Win” situation in which both parties benefit from interaction. “Win-Win” relationships are nourishing, energizing, and are powerful tools that can spark tremendous growth. In this type of relationship there is a mutual exchange of ideas, thoughts, energy, and support. Only people who have a lot to offer can experience a “Win-Win” relationship, because it is a highly interdependent relationship. Its basis is in mutual exchange.

If you’re currently the type of person who is coasting along in life, expecting to have stellar relationships without having much to offer, I’ve got news for you.

You’ll never build high quality relationships!

Why is that? It’s because strong attracts strong; like attracts like. You’ll never catch an eagle flying with pigeons. The same applies to your relationships. If you’re the kind of person who is stagnant, emotionally immature, and draining, how will you ever attract people that are dynamic, emotionally mature, and energizing into your life? You won’t!

If you have managed to attract strong, well-developed people into your life, it’s either by luck, or because they have no choice but to be around you (parents, siblings). This isn’t a “Win-Win” situation. It’s a “Win-Lose” situation where the strong people in your life are losing, and you are “winning” because they have no alternative but to put up with you.

Don’t fool yourself into believing you’re actually contributing something to the relationship. It’s time to wake up and make some changes! It’s time to shift towards a “Win-Win” mindset.

Something For Nothing

Often times I hear men say, “I want to find an awesome girl,” or I hear women say, “I want to find Mr. Perfect.” When I ask them how they define an “awesome” girl, or “Mr. Perfect,” they give the standard description of the perfectly well-rounded individual.

You know the description I’m talking about: the guy that is amazing socially, physically, mentally, and financially, or the girl that is gorgeous, intelligent, independent, and outgoing. Then I ask the person if they are all of these things, and more often than not they reply “no, not really.” Notice the problem?

These people are looking to get something for nothing. If they don’t possess the qualities of their “perfect” guy or girl, how are they going to attract someone like that into their life? Start transforming yourself into the strong, attractive, financially independent individual you wish to attract, and I assure you it won’t be long before this person comes into your life.

How Can You Contribute?

You probably aren’t an extreme “Win-Lose” oriented person, like the one described above. Regardless of where you currently stand,  however, you can still grow and add to your arsenal of what you have to offer to others.

I’ll warn you ahead of time that it’s going to require a significant investment of your time. If you’re willing to invest in yourself,  you will experience a noticeable increase in the quality of your relationships. Here are a few suggestions to get you started (specific suggestions in parenthesis):

• Take up exciting new activities (skydiving, martial arts, marathon running, rock climbing, scuba diving)
• Read personal development books that address your problem areas
• Get a gym membership, sign up with a personal trainer, and get into shape
• Purchase David DeAngelo’s E-book and materials on “Women and Dating”
• Study the psychology of the mind, and learn how to handle your internal issues (Dr. Paul’s Mind OS)
• Learn new skills (meditation, yoga, creative writing, public speaking)
• Travel the world and experience new places and cultures
• Write a personal mission statement (specify your values and what’s most important to you in life)
• Define your life’s purpose (How to Discover your Life’s Purpose in 20 Minutes)

When you invest in yourself you’ll become a more interesting, well-rounded individual. You’ll have more experiences to share, more things to talk about, and more positive energy to offer others. You’ll mature emotionally, and will be more purposeful in your actions. You’ll be an individual who is growth-oriented, dynamic, and lots of fun to be around.

Aren’t these the kind of people you want to attract into your life? If so, remember, you have to be that kind of person first.

Give First, Receive Second

Don’t be that person who is looking to get something for nothing. The next time you find yourself unsatisfied with the relationships in your life, ask yourself, “What can I do to offer more?” Answer this question, and you will find the solution to your problems. The more you have to offer to others, the more you will receive from others.

Invest in yourself, and soon enough similarly invested people will begin to flow into your life. Not to your surprise, you will find yourself in a position to build highly interdependent, energizing, and mutually supportive relationships with these people. You took the time to invest in yourself. You became the change you wanted to see in the world. You decided to ask, “How can I give first?” and now you will receive. You deserve it.

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Okay, okay. Maybe A LOT of sex.

But what about respect? Perhaps the most important component of a relationship, yet the most overlooked, a lack of respect is usually the reason why many relationships fail.

The Reality of Respect

We live our lives in constant interaction with those around us. Whether in a business, school, or social setting, we always aim to earn the respect of our co-workers, peers, and friends. Some of us may gain the respect of everyone we come into contact with, while the rest of us gain a varying level of respect from our fellow human beings. Examples of this truth are all around us. I’m sure you know at least one person who gains the respect of everyone he/she interacts with, heck; even YOU want this person to like you.

Self Respect as a Boundary

Let’s call this person John (if you’re female, call this person Julie). Whenever you greet John, you get a calm “what’s going on”, or “what’s up?” He’s not in your face seeking your approval, he doesn’t care if you approve of him or not, and he always maintains his composure. He knows what he stands for, and doesn’t need the approval of others to define his own identity. Whenever you violate one of John’s standards, he lets you know immediately. If you continue to violate his standards, he won’t hesitate to walk away.

What’s going on here? John’s self respect serves as a boundary that protects him from anything and anyone who chooses to disrespect his clearly communicated standards. This boundary is visible to people around him. When people notice this boundary through John’s body language, tone of voice, or actions, they look at their own weaker boundary and choose to respect John.

How strong is your boundary?

Personal Boundary as a Border

I like to think of my personal boundary as the foundation for my self-respect. Without it, I wouldn’t know what to stand up for or how to defend my ideas and self-esteem. Try to imagine the border between the U.S and Mexico. It’s heavily guarded, and there are only select entry points people can pass through (although there are numerous gaps in the 2,000 mile border that compromise its integrity).

Think of your personal boundary as the border between two countries. You need to guard it as well as you can, and have as few gaps as possible. The better you do this; the better protected your self-esteem and ideas, and the more respect others will give you.

Building Your Boundary

Each of us has some semblance of a personal boundary we have developed over the years. Maybe your boundary is laden with many gaps, or maybe it resembles a circle, with very few gaps.

To fill in the gaps, you need to know what you like and what you don’t like; you have to have preferences. Ever heard the saying, “to get what you want out of life, you need to first know what you want out of life”? The same applies with building a strong boundary.

To give you a simple example of what I mean, think about your preference of car brands. You may prefer Porsche, but not Hummer; or you may prefer Ford, but not Dodge. These preferences influence the way you lead your life. If you prefer Ford over Dodge, you aren’t going to go out tomorrow and buy a Dodge; you’ll buy a Ford.

Let’s extend this example to include preferences such as “I will only accept first class behavior from myself and from others; I will never tolerate second class behavior from myself or others.” This is one of my personal beliefs and I find it to be extremely empowering.

When you adopt preferences such as these, your life begins to revolve around them. Any time you come across someone who violates your standards, you won’t hesitate to walk away. I don’t waste my time on people who don’t have enough self-respect and high enough standards to hold themselves responsible for acting with first class behavior.

Know what you stand for, be picky. When you’re picky, you won’t settle for anything less than what you know you deserve. The higher you set your standards, the higher the quality of your life.

I suggest you pull out a piece of paper, or open a word document right now. Begin to list all of your preferences. Start with easy things such as “I prefer (favorite car brand here) over any other type of car”, or “I like (favorite color here) more than any other color”. Work your way up until you begin to define your preferences having to do with your relationships with other people. Once you have clearly defined as many preferences as you can, choose to never settle for behavior or actions any less than these standards.

Respect and Relationships

For some reason, many people forget the importance of respect when starting a relationship with that “special someone”. Perhaps it’s those initial butterflies that cause you to forget; or maybe your significant other is so damn attractive that you just don’t care! Overlooking this component may be fine at first, but it will soon catch up with you and bite you in the ass. Let me demonstrate what I mean through personal experience.

When I began my first relationship, I was young, naïve, inexperienced, and overwhelmed by all the feelings associated with a new relationship. I assumed these feeling meant I was in love, asked no questions, and led a happy life for nearly seven months.

Painfully, this all came tumbling down when I realized the person I was with had no sense of self respect. I’m the kind of guy who can’t respect people who have no sense of self respect (so if that’s you, stay away! Just kidding). I’m sure you can guess where the relationship went from here. I unconsciously began to do what I pleased, when I pleased. We fought all the time, largely because I didn’t listen to or believe anything she said, and eventually we broke up.

This is a common situation in most relationships. One person has a stronger sense of self and self respect than the other person. Sooner or later, the stronger person realizes this is the case, and either unconsciously takes advantage of the weaker person, or decides to pack up and leave.

Looking back, I realize I made a number of mistakes while leading this relationship. First of all, if my boundary was strong enough, and I had higher standards, I would’ve never settled for this person in the first place. Secondly, if I did have a strong boundary, my actions would have demonstrated this fact from the get-go, and the girl would have either been too intimidated to talk to me, or would have constantly been striving to meet my standards.

Using Your Boundary in Relationships

How do you utilize your boundary in a relationship? You utilize it to build respect. And how exactly do you do that? Well, since your boundary is a “wall” which represents your standards and preferences, you must allow only certain things to permeate this “wall”. If you have a solid wall of preferences, and have no ability to let certain things in, then you will be unable to compromise. I’m not advising you to be a stubborn, uncompromising person. I’m suggesting that you live your life by certain standards, and never settle for anything less than the highest quality of behavior from the people in your life.

Any time you come across someone who does meet your standards, let them in and out of your “wall” selectively as long as they act in accordance with your standards. Make sure that you do not tolerate too many violations of your standards; otherwise the other person may begin to lose respect for you, and may think you just talk the talk and can’t walk the walk. To instill respect, your partner must understand that you will not stick around no matter what.

Demonstrate Your Standards

It is important to lay out your standards in plain view for your partner to see from the beginning. Take as many opportunities as you can to demonstrate your standards to your partner. If this means telling them a story of someone who previously violated one of your standards, go ahead. For example, one of my pet peeves is people telling me they will call me back, but then never calling back.

I view this as second class behavior. So I would tell my partner a story that goes something like this. “Yeah you know, I hate it when people don’t call me back. A few weeks ago, Johnny said he was going to call me back but then he never did. I told him I didn’t like it, but he still did it again. After the second time, I never spoke to him again.” This is a true story (the person’s name wasn’t Johnny), and it demonstrates one of my many standards. You can be sure that whoever hears this story early on in our relationship will never fail to call me back.

Another way to demonstrate your standards from the get-go is to be particularly picky. When the person of interest suggests something that isn’t in line with what you want to do or what you believe in, tell them “no” and suggest another idea.

This is what you should be doing anyways if you have a strong, well-defined boundary. Would you be wasting your time doing things you don’t like to do and tolerating second class behavior when you expect more? No, you wouldn’t be. Instill respect in others by standing up for yourself. Hold people to the highest standards, and you will find that they will always be working to meet these standards.

Summing it All Up

Remember, when you are looking to start a relationship with that special someone, it is important they respect you and your boundary. If you have well-defined preferences and standards, your actions and words will demonstrate these standards. Your special someone will understand violating this boundary will lead to your disapproval, and eventually will lead to you walking away. Assuming all of the other elements of a relationship are in place (attraction, connection, trust, etc.), the last thing they would want is for you to leave.

If you have absorbed this entire article, you will become more conscious of the strength of your own boundary. I have spent a lot of time defining my own preferences, and I keep defining them more clearly every day. If you make a commitment to yourself to consciously and actively define your preferences, while choosing to never tolerate any behavior out of line with these preferences, you will notice the quality of your life will improve drastically.

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