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You’re in what most men like to call a tough spot.

You’re at the bar. Your drink is on the way. You look to your left and there she is. The girl of your dreams.

Suddenly, the familiar feeling of anxiety sets in. You hesitate for 3 seconds too long, and before you know it, she’s gone.

You think to yourself, “WHY AM I SUCH A <expletive>?!?”

Don’t be so hard on yourself! This is a common situation for close to 98% of the men on this planet (an arbitrary estimate, but realistic in my opinion). Before you get depressed and believe there’s no hope left for mankind, there is some comfort to be had by looking a bit deeper into this statistic.

98% of men feel the same anxiety as you do, and lock up the same way you do when they see a woman they’re attracted to. 98% of men don’t know how to spark attraction properly in such situations. 98% of men could be doing better in their selection of women, and could be with more intelligent, more interesting, more beautiful women if they knew how to spark attraction properly. Certainly, you are not alone.

Don’t kick yourself when you make a mistake. Your fellow men are making the same mistakes as you are in the same situations.

Dealing With the Situation

Let’s go back to our “tough spot” and try something slightly different.

You’re at the bar. Your drink is on the way. You look to your left and there she is. The girl of your dreams. Suddenly, the familiar feeling of anxiety sets in, but this time you open your mouth and say “hi” loud enough so that she can hear. You strike up a conversation; she’s laughing, leaning into you, and having a great time. The next thing you know you’re walking out of the bar with her number, or if you’ve really got it together, walking out of the bar with her, hand in hand.

How do you upgrade from outcome #1 to outcome #2? Not through manipulation. Not by using pick up lines or sweet talking her until her ears fall off. None of that.

You reach outcome #2 by being a gentleman.

Develop the following skills, and you’ll become just that.

The Power of Body Language

Body language is by far the most powerful component of attraction, and the most telling aspect about a human being. Used properly, you can say almost anything (insert most ridiculous pick-up line here) and still succeed in attracting 95% of the women you meet. Used improperly, a woman can instantly tell what you’re saying doesn’t fit with who you really are, and will understand you are trying to manipulate her into liking you.

Body language telegraphs to women the true meaning behind your words. If you walk up to a woman while looking at the ground and say “hi”, she’ll understand you are too insecure to make eye contact with her. On the other hand, if you walk up to a woman slowly and confidently while holding eye contact and say “hi”, she’ll understand you are not intimidated by her looks and are comfortable in your own skin. This is extremely attractive.

When I was first introduced to the concept of body language, I was amazed at how many things I was doing wrong. Some of the most noticeable mistakes I made were my not holding eye contact confidently (I had to consciously fight the urge to look away), sitting with closed body language (my limbs were scrunched together, rather than spread out  and open), and talking WAY too fast (communicating I was nervous right off the bat).

The great thing about body language is it’s easy to change with an investment of time and effort. Pay close attention to what you are doing with your body while interacting with women. Are you communicating nervousness and insecurity, or are you demonstrating composure and comfort in the situation? By maintaining a constant awareness, you will begin to notice a gradual positive shift in your tendencies.

The Power of Sexual Communication

Sexual communication permeates all levels of physical interaction. It’s a completely different language being spoken at all times. If you don’t understand the language, tough luck. When it’s directed your way, you’ll have no clue about what’s actually going on. If you understand the language, however, you can hear it being spoken around you all the time.

Make it a point to learn this language.

Women understand sexual communication much better than men. The few guys who do know how to speak the language can say just about anything, and women will understand the sexual message lying subtly beneath the message’s surface. The language is spoken through a combination of the skillful use of body language and tone of voice. Slow body movement, holding eye contact a little bit longer than usual, and small nuances in tone of voice signal sexual communication’s presence.

Try to spot sexual communication going on around you. Watch a woman’s body language from a distance while she interacts with the man she’s with. If she’s doing lots of playful touching (slapping on the shoulder, nudging and giggling, playing with a guy’s hands, etc.) you can bet sexual communication is the reason why.

The better you get at spotting it, the better you’ll be able to understand it when you’re interacting with a woman. Understanding sexual communication is what separates the men who are extraordinary with women from the men who are good with women. And you don’t want to be just “good”, you want to be extraordinary!

Prior to my education on sexual communication, I had no idea the language was being spoken around me at all times.  Once I learned the language through keen observation and constant practice, there was a night and day difference in my interaction with women. Girls wanted to “hang out and watch a movie” more often (a movie, righhht), and I began to get a lot more playful you’re mean, and by mean I mean sexy slaps on the arm.

Investing the time required to learn this “language” really pays off.

The Power of Banter

It’s light. It’s humorous.  It’s fun. It’s exactly what you need when striking up a conversation with a woman you’ve just met. Banter is casual conversation with a flirty spin. It makes a woman laugh, it communicates you are comfortable in your own skin, and it instantly sparks attraction in a woman.

Most guys ruin their chances with a woman before they’ve even opened their mouth. They say all the wrong things with their body language when approaching (they slouch, look away, fiddle with their hands). For the following example, let’s assume we’re talking about an above average guy who does all of the right things with his body language.

When our guy approaches a woman at, lets say the grocery store, he opens the conversation with something natural. He may ask a question about where an item is located, or make a comment about something she’s looking at. By using the power of banter, a flirty and fun conversation will ensue, and this will lead to a more in-depth conversation or a phone number.

The key phrase here is “something natural”.

Our guy doesn’t want to make the girl feel like he’s hitting on her, and he knows he shouldn’t be hitting on her anyways until she expresses some sort of interest first (we will discuss this later on). He’s just trying to start a casual conversation. By being comfortable in his own skin, our guy ensures the conversation will be an enjoyable one at the very least, or a flirtatious one at best.

An Example of Banter

While in the cafeteria line at a summer job, there was a beautiful girl in line right in front of me. I wanted to strike up a conversation with her to see what she was like (I tend to like girls that have something between their ears), so I waited for a natural opportunity to interject.

After she asked the server for a rather disgusting looking plate of green beans, I butted in with a, “Well, doesn’t that look appetizing?” She looked at me with a smile and asked, “Is that sarcasm, or are you being serious?”

This was my chance to pick on her some more.

“No, I’m being dead serious,” I replied, with a serious face. She stared at me for a few seconds, and right before she could say something else I cracked a smile, laughed and said, “Don’t be so serious. Lighten up.” Needless to say, we had lunch together and I got her number.

If you are ever in a situation where you have the opportunity to meet a woman who strikes your interest, think about the key phrase discussed earlier, “something natural”. There’s no pressure. Focus on having an enjoyable conversation with a stranger.

Things to Work On

The first step in being able to spark attraction is to understand the importance of the concepts described above.

Be aware of your behavior when interacting with women. Pay attention to your body language and tone of voice. Are you communicating the same message with your body, tone of voice, and words? Simply being more aware of your behavior will lead to improvement in these areas.

Slow down your movement, slow down your speech… slow down EVERYTHING! Practice turning your head slowly in the mirror. Practice walking slowly whenever you are out. Women interpret fast movements and fast speech as insecurity, and insecurity is the mortal enemy of attraction.

Sit with open body language. Don’t sit with your limbs scrunched up and close together. Instead, sit with “wide” body language. Spread your legs out, spread your arms out, sit up straight and tilt your head slightly back. “Wide” body language widens your presence and communicates power. It can make a small guy seem bigger and more powerful than his frame suggests.

Work on deepening your voice. This is not as easy as controlling your body language, but there are plenty of vocal exercises out there to get the job done. Google it. The only thing more unattractive to women than dirty finger nails and body odor is a guy with a Mike Tyson-like voice. If you’re voice isn’t as deep as you’d like it to be, work on it!

Watch the body language of couples around you. Is the man leaning in and looking desperate while the woman is leaning back, uninterested? Or is the girl leaning in, interested, while the guy is leaning back, secure and comfortable in his own skin? Sharpen your eye for these telltale signs, and you will become better at communicating the right things with your body language.

Go out and conquer your fear of talking to strangers by talking to a set number (5, 10, 15, 20) of new people every day. It can be as simple as asking for the time, or for directions. It doesn’t matter. Once you’ve mastered talking to five strangers, increase it to ten. Keep increasing this number until you feel you are comfortable in these types of situations.

Groom yourself. Cut your fingernails and toenails. Shave regularly. When you bathe, wash yourself 3 times to make sure you get off all of the dirt and odor (it doesn’t come off with just one rinse, sorry guys). Always have a clean haircut; something that suits your facial structure. Gain a sense of style, and figure out what works best for you. Ask a lady friend to help you dress fashionably if you don’t know how to already. Women notice the small things. They spend hours getting ready to look good for you; the least you can do is groom yourself properly and look your best for them too.

That’s enough to work on for now. Keep at it, and you will soon be reaping the benefits of the changes you’ve made. I’m excited for you!

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I know what you’re thinking. “I’m growing every day, and I’m conscious of it. Five years ago I was only 5 feet tall.”

Unfortunately, that’s not the kind of growth I’m talking about.

I’m talking about mental growth. Growth you actively choose when you decide to confront areas of fear and unfamiliarity in your life. Growth you choose when you decide to learn a new skill.

Each one of us has our own share of fear that holds us back in one way or another. Think about one area in your life that you can’t muster up the courage to confront. Perhaps it’s dating or public speaking. Maybe you have insecurity issues, and are unable to stand up to your co-workers, peers, or friends.

Regardless of your specific situation, the fear of getting up and facing the issue at hand is inhibiting your progress towards overall happiness and fulfillment in your life. Keep in mind, when I say fulfillment I mean in an overall sense of the word (financially, emotionally, physically, relational, spiritually).

Keep Life Moving

Feel like every day is just more of the same? You may be stuck on a plateau.

New skills are necessary to keep the growth process moving in our lives. If we stick with the same skill set for too long, we may reach a growth plateau. We will no longer be improving the quality of our lives. You must choose to step out of your comfort zone in search of new skills.

Spend time on inner reflection. You will notice there are many things in life you would love to do, but just haven’t found the time for yet. Make time to do these things, no matter how trivial they may seem. You may have to acquire new skills in order to complete the tasks in mind. If this is the case, you have a variety of options at your disposal. You can attend an informative seminar, read books on the topic, or make new friends who are skilled in your area of interest. Dive right in and completely immerse yourself.

Personal Experience

When I described my goals this summer to my friend Anil, he called it “The Summer of Rahul”. I’ve chosen to learn a number of new skills and perspectives this summer, and it’s been an exciting experience.

6 months ago I was having a discussion with one of my closest friends about self-defense. At the time, I didn’t feel like I could adequately protect myself or my loved ones if a situation ever arose, and I was confused about which path I should take to solve this problem. My friend, a member of the Marine Corps, suggested I learn martial arts.

Almost instantaneously I was turned off by the thought of the time commitment involved with learning a martial art. However, I chose to look past this initial apprehension, and focused on how great the journey could be instead.

At the beginning of summer, I enrolled at a local Kuk Sool Won school. This martial art has everything I’m looking for: grappling, self-defense techniques, joint-locking techniques, and much, much more. Basically, if I master all of the skills taught in Kuk Sool Won, I’ll be ready to contend in the UFC (okay, I’m pushing it). I’ve found something I can commit to for the rest of my life.

I spend a lot of time at Barnes and Noble reading books I find interesting. Books provide me with new perspectives on life (self-development books). When I’m reading a great book, I have many “ah-ha!” moments. I appreciate these moments, because from that point onwards, my life is never the same. I look at things differently and lead my life in a different way. Here’s an example of one of those moments.

Last week I was reading the book Rich Dad, Poor Dad. While reading the book, I gained a whole new perspective on personal finance. I now spend my money in a completely different way. I now spend less money on useless luxuries, and instead save the money to build up my asset column, or invest it in something more worthwhile, like a great book!

A Few Suggestions to Get You Moving

All of us are busy with the burdens of daily life. We have work, school, and chores to take care of. We Americans lead a monotonous lifestyle. We wake up, go to work/school, come home, spend time with the family, go to sleep, and then repeat.

It’s easy to slip into this mindless routine, and forget the single most important truth about life. Life is about growth and enjoyment; it’s about experiencing and learning new things. If we are constantly doing the same work day in and day out, we will only have more of the same. We will not grow, we will not live life to the fullest, and we will not become healthy, well-rounded individuals.

How do you prevent this from happening?

• Choose to learn new skills and take on new challenges in life (a new sport, Toastmasters, martial arts, dancing, painting, singing, writing)
• Choose to step outside of your comfort zone and confront the unknown
• Choose to take time out of your busy day and read a book you find interesting (a book on real estate, cooking, spirituality, religion, communication, negotiation)
• Choose to attend an informative seminar and equip yourself with all of the knowledge you could possibly need on a particular subject (a seminar on women and dating, time management, public speaking, pottery, facing fear)

Once you finish reading this article, I want you to think of something you have always wanted to do, and go out and do it as soon as possible. It doesn’t matter if you think it’s small and insignificant. Taking action means progress. It means progress towards growth and fulfillment. Once you complete this task, choose something else you have always wanted to do, and repeat the process. This is a surefire formula for improving the quality of your life.

Although you may not realize it right away, you will soon be astonished by the amount you have developed through this process of conscious growth. Who knows? Maybe you’ll find your life passion along the way.

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