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When someone mentions the term “healthy relationship”, what words come to mind? Trust? Love? Affection? Gifts? Sex?

Okay, okay. Maybe A LOT of sex.

But what about respect? Perhaps the most important component of a relationship, yet the most overlooked, a lack of respect is usually the reason why many relationships fail.

The Reality of Respect

We live our lives in constant interaction with those around us. Whether in a business, school, or social setting, we always aim to earn the respect of our co-workers, peers, and friends. Some of us may gain the respect of everyone we come into contact with, while the rest of us gain a varying level of respect from our fellow human beings. Examples of this truth are all around us. I’m sure you know at least one person who gains the respect of everyone he/she interacts with, heck; even YOU want this person to like you.

Self Respect as a Boundary

Let’s call this person John (if you’re female, call this person Julie). Whenever you greet John, you get a calm “what’s going on”, or “what’s up?” He’s not in your face seeking your approval, he doesn’t care if you approve of him or not, and he always maintains his composure. He knows what he stands for, and doesn’t need the approval of others to define his own identity. Whenever you violate one of John’s standards, he lets you know immediately. If you continue to violate his standards, he won’t hesitate to walk away.

What’s going on here? John’s self respect serves as a boundary that protects him from anything and anyone who chooses to disrespect his clearly communicated standards. This boundary is visible to people around him. When people notice this boundary through John’s body language, tone of voice, or actions, they look at their own weaker boundary and choose to respect John.

How strong is your boundary?

Personal Boundary as a Border

I like to think of my personal boundary as the foundation for my self-respect. Without it, I wouldn’t know what to stand up for or how to defend my ideas and self-esteem. Try to imagine the border between the U.S and Mexico. It’s heavily guarded, and there are only select entry points people can pass through (although there are numerous gaps in the 2,000 mile border that compromise its integrity).

Think of your personal boundary as the border between two countries. You need to guard it as well as you can, and have as few gaps as possible. The better you do this; the better protected your self-esteem and ideas, and the more respect others will give you.

Building Your Boundary

Each of us has some semblance of a personal boundary we have developed over the years. Maybe your boundary is laden with many gaps, or maybe it resembles a circle, with very few gaps.

To fill in the gaps, you need to know what you like and what you don’t like; you have to have preferences. Ever heard the saying, “to get what you want out of life, you need to first know what you want out of life”? The same applies with building a strong boundary.

To give you a simple example of what I mean, think about your preference of car brands. You may prefer Porsche, but not Hummer; or you may prefer Ford, but not Dodge. These preferences influence the way you lead your life. If you prefer Ford over Dodge, you aren’t going to go out tomorrow and buy a Dodge; you’ll buy a Ford.

Let’s extend this example to include preferences such as “I will only accept first class behavior from myself and from others; I will never tolerate second class behavior from myself or others.” This is one of my personal beliefs and I find it to be extremely empowering.

When you adopt preferences such as these, your life begins to revolve around them. Any time you come across someone who violates your standards, you won’t hesitate to walk away. I don’t waste my time on people who don’t have enough self-respect and high enough standards to hold themselves responsible for acting with first class behavior.

Know what you stand for, be picky. When you’re picky, you won’t settle for anything less than what you know you deserve. The higher you set your standards, the higher the quality of your life.

I suggest you pull out a piece of paper, or open a word document right now. Begin to list all of your preferences. Start with easy things such as “I prefer (favorite car brand here) over any other type of car”, or “I like (favorite color here) more than any other color”. Work your way up until you begin to define your preferences having to do with your relationships with other people. Once you have clearly defined as many preferences as you can, choose to never settle for behavior or actions any less than these standards.

Respect and Relationships

For some reason, many people forget the importance of respect when starting a relationship with that “special someone”. Perhaps it’s those initial butterflies that cause you to forget; or maybe your significant other is so damn attractive that you just don’t care! Overlooking this component may be fine at first, but it will soon catch up with you and bite you in the ass. Let me demonstrate what I mean through personal experience.

When I began my first relationship, I was young, naïve, inexperienced, and overwhelmed by all the feelings associated with a new relationship. I assumed these feeling meant I was in love, asked no questions, and led a happy life for nearly seven months.

Painfully, this all came tumbling down when I realized the person I was with had no sense of self respect. I’m the kind of guy who can’t respect people who have no sense of self respect (so if that’s you, stay away! Just kidding). I’m sure you can guess where the relationship went from here. I unconsciously began to do what I pleased, when I pleased. We fought all the time, largely because I didn’t listen to or believe anything she said, and eventually we broke up.

This is a common situation in most relationships. One person has a stronger sense of self and self respect than the other person. Sooner or later, the stronger person realizes this is the case, and either unconsciously takes advantage of the weaker person, or decides to pack up and leave.

Looking back, I realize I made a number of mistakes while leading this relationship. First of all, if my boundary was strong enough, and I had higher standards, I would’ve never settled for this person in the first place. Secondly, if I did have a strong boundary, my actions would have demonstrated this fact from the get-go, and the girl would have either been too intimidated to talk to me, or would have constantly been striving to meet my standards.

Using Your Boundary in Relationships

How do you utilize your boundary in a relationship? You utilize it to build respect. And how exactly do you do that? Well, since your boundary is a “wall” which represents your standards and preferences, you must allow only certain things to permeate this “wall”. If you have a solid wall of preferences, and have no ability to let certain things in, then you will be unable to compromise. I’m not advising you to be a stubborn, uncompromising person. I’m suggesting that you live your life by certain standards, and never settle for anything less than the highest quality of behavior from the people in your life.

Any time you come across someone who does meet your standards, let them in and out of your “wall” selectively as long as they act in accordance with your standards. Make sure that you do not tolerate too many violations of your standards; otherwise the other person may begin to lose respect for you, and may think you just talk the talk and can’t walk the walk. To instill respect, your partner must understand that you will not stick around no matter what.

Demonstrate Your Standards

It is important to lay out your standards in plain view for your partner to see from the beginning. Take as many opportunities as you can to demonstrate your standards to your partner. If this means telling them a story of someone who previously violated one of your standards, go ahead. For example, one of my pet peeves is people telling me they will call me back, but then never calling back.

I view this as second class behavior. So I would tell my partner a story that goes something like this. “Yeah you know, I hate it when people don’t call me back. A few weeks ago, Johnny said he was going to call me back but then he never did. I told him I didn’t like it, but he still did it again. After the second time, I never spoke to him again.” This is a true story (the person’s name wasn’t Johnny), and it demonstrates one of my many standards. You can be sure that whoever hears this story early on in our relationship will never fail to call me back.

Another way to demonstrate your standards from the get-go is to be particularly picky. When the person of interest suggests something that isn’t in line with what you want to do or what you believe in, tell them “no” and suggest another idea.

This is what you should be doing anyways if you have a strong, well-defined boundary. Would you be wasting your time doing things you don’t like to do and tolerating second class behavior when you expect more? No, you wouldn’t be. Instill respect in others by standing up for yourself. Hold people to the highest standards, and you will find that they will always be working to meet these standards.

Summing it All Up

Remember, when you are looking to start a relationship with that special someone, it is important they respect you and your boundary. If you have well-defined preferences and standards, your actions and words will demonstrate these standards. Your special someone will understand violating this boundary will lead to your disapproval, and eventually will lead to you walking away. Assuming all of the other elements of a relationship are in place (attraction, connection, trust, etc.), the last thing they would want is for you to leave.

If you have absorbed this entire article, you will become more conscious of the strength of your own boundary. I have spent a lot of time defining my own preferences, and I keep defining them more clearly every day. If you make a commitment to yourself to consciously and actively define your preferences, while choosing to never tolerate any behavior out of line with these preferences, you will notice the quality of your life will improve drastically.

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You know, it’s funny.

Whenever I go out, no matter where I go, I see the most peculiar thing. I see men buying women drinks. I see men buying women expensive jewelry and gifts. I see men leaning in towards women and forcing laughs at horrendous jokes. I see men doing everything they don’t want to do in order to get a girl to like them.

WHY?

Why do we men do these things? Do we honestly believe the girl in question will, at the bottom of her heart, be attracted to us for performing such tedious acts against our will? I mean, you can’t honestly want to spend all of your money on a girl who’s going to move on to the next guy as soon as you’ve run out of money. Or maybe you’re just a nice guy… or better yet, you’ve convinced yourself you’re a nice guy.

The Problem With Being Too Nice

Ay, there’s the rub. Too many guys are WAY too “nice” to women, and in the process sacrifice everything they stand for while also emptying out their wallets. Women are smart, and they have learned to take advantage of man’s naivety. Most women will accept your gifts, drinks, and attention with a smile, and will still be smiling when they leave you for the next guy they come across with a fatter wallet than yours.

Don’t get me wrong ladies, I’m not mad at you for taking advantage of men, in fact, I don’t blame you at all. If I was an attractive woman, I’d be doing the same thing on a daily basis. My lunches would be paid for, I would never have to drive anywhere; heck, I wouldn’t even have to walk anywhere.

If we can’t blame women, then who’s to blame? I blame men and society. Men are so naive to think that money can buy a girl’s attraction and affection. You’re not buying her attraction; instead she’s getting what SHE expects, a good time and a lot of attention. I’m blaming society for programming boys how to be good husbands from a young age; not how to be dominant, attractive males.

Right now, look into your past and think of how much time and money you have wasted on girls that didn’t stick around. Think about the pain you experienced when she left.

It’s just not worth it.

How can you free yourself from this vicious cycle? Step 1 – stop wasting your time and money. Step 2 – stop being too “nice”. Step 3 – learn how to spark gut-level attraction in women instantly.

The Importance of Attraction

Ah, attraction; one of the two essential components in gaining a woman’s affection (connection is the second).

Without it, you’re just friends. Without it, she will leave you for the more exciting, sexier bad boy with the motorcycle.

I’m not talking about physical attraction here. Too many men believe that only good looking guys get all the girls. WRONG! Ever seen an exceptionally ugly guy holding hands with an extremely beautiful girl? Point made. Fortunately, attraction in women is mostly cognitive and slightly visual (the reverse applies to men). This means gut-level attraction is sparked by a number of things other than physical appearance (so we ugly guys have a fighting chance, after all!)

I’m talking about the kind of attraction that “sweeps” a girl off her feet. Attraction that causes a throbbing desire within a woman; similar to the desire men feel when we see an extremely attractive woman. Close your eyes and imagine the most beautiful woman in your world begging you to come to bed. Yeah, that’s the kind of attraction I’m talking about!

Attraction can accomplish all of this and more if triggered properly. “Sign me up now, teach me,” you say. Okay, you’re signed up. First, let’s break men up into three different archetypes. Figure out where you fit in.

The “Nice Guy”

Unfortunately for the “nice guy”, nice guys almost always come last (except for in those cheesy movies). When I say nice guy, I mean the kind of guy that you can walk all over; the kind of guy who has no regard for his own personal boundary (see ‘Gain Respect in Relationships’).

Nice guys do not attract women. Instead, they make a lot of lady friends. These are the guys that advise their lady friends on their relationship with their jerk boyfriend. Nice guys think this is the right thing to do. All the while they think to themselves, “Can’t she see I’m right here in front of her? I’m all she needs!”

Finally, out of righteous indignation and impatience with the situation, the nice guy professes his undying love to his lady friend, and she does the opposite of what he imagined her doing in his dreams. She runs away from him as far and as fast as she can. The nice guy is left hurt, angry, and thinking, “Stupid women! They never appreciate what I do for them!”

If these last few sentences describe you, have no fear! We will discuss better alternatives, and in following articles we will arm you with knowledge to mold yourself into the man you were born to be.

Jerks

So, if being a nice guy is out of the question, then what’s in the question? If the first thing that comes to mind is “jerk”, you’re wrong. Jerks may get more women than nice guys, but when it comes down to it, they’re still missing out on 99% of the beautiful, strong, women in this world.

The wild, care-free, adventurous nature of jerks (bad boys, if you will) is attractive to women. The kind of man every mother fears her daughter will end up with, the bad boy degrades and abuses the women he has relationships with. He comes and goes when he pleases, and has no regard or respect for the girls he is with. He’s always living life on the edge. And this is exactly why he is attractive.

Think about it. If a woman settles for a nice guy, she won’t feel any attraction for him. The nice guy will cater to her every need, and in turn will be boring and unoriginal like the other 98% of men on this planet. So, the girl can either choose the boring, unattractive nice guy; or she can choose the exciting, wildly attractive bad boy. This is the reason why so many women are unfaithful in relationships. They settle down with a “nice guy” who can provide for them, while having sex with the “bad boy” they are attracted to. This way, they have both a lover (bad boy), and a provider (nice guy).

While we shouldn’t settle into jerk mode just yet, there are certainly many things we can learn from the jerk. Women are attracted to a man in CONTROL. Women are attracted to a man who does things on his terms. A man who doesn’t constantly shower them with compliments. An exciting man who lives on the EDGE. It’s different… it’s sexy… it’s ATTRACTIVE.

Sadly, most women will settle down with a nice guy, a jerk, or with someone somewhere in between. Most women will never be fortunate enough to run into a GENTLEMAN. And this is precisely where you come in!

Gentlemen

Finally, the gentleman! The highest form of man a male can be. By far the most attractive of the three male archetypes. Bad boys don’t stand a chance against this well-groomed, chivalrous, purposeful, dominant, and powerful man. Think James Bond. Think Thomas Crown. Now, add some depth to those characters, and voila! You have your gentleman.

The gentleman shares many traits with the bad boy. The difference is he has developed these traits to a much higher level. He has a tremendous amount of security and confidence; he is comfortable in his own skin. He has extremely high standards, especially when it comes to women. He always maintains his composure; he is never rattled by the tests women throw at him.

He does things on his terms; no woman, or person for that matter, can manipulate him into doing otherwise. All the while, he is chivalrous and knows what he wants isn’t necessarily what his woman wants. He opens the door for women. He walks on the outside of the curb. He pulls out her chair at the dinner table. This is the kind of man women believe exists only in their romance novels. When a girl meets one, he is probably one of the very few she has ever met in her entire life.

Beginning to see why the gentleman is so attractive?

Things to Work On

So, you want to be a gentleman, huh? Let me be the first to tell you, it won’t happen overnight. It will take hard work, time, and discipline (hear this often, don’t you?). You may have to step outside of your comfort zone to reach this level. Don’t sweat it! You’ll make it, and the rewards will be well worth your time invested.

To start with, make a pact with yourself that you will stop doing the following things FOR GOOD as of right now:

• Giving women undeserved compliments to get their approval (it actually works against you, and you sound like every other guy on the planet)
• Buying women drinks, gifts, ANYTHING, to get their approval (she’s using you, remember?)
• Tolerating second class behavior from women just because they are physically attractive (would you let your buddy treat you like this? If the answer is no, then why are you letting HER treat you like this?)
• Giving up what you want so you can do what she wants (if you want to go to the game with your buddies, why are you going to ditch them to go to a party she is at?)
• Placing excessive value on looks (don’t get me wrong, the girl has to be attractive, but once she opens her mouth there better be something between those ears)
• Thinking this girl is the last one on the planet (you’re WRONG, there’s 3 BILLION other women on this planet)
• Thinking “she’s special” (not until she proves it, buddy)

Stop doing the above and you will develop a solid foundation for the gentleman you strive to become. Continuously raise your standards. Build new skills to become a more interesting person. Strengthen your personal boundary. More clearly define your identity each day. Evict your fears by confronting them head on with courage. Define a life purpose; what do you live for? Taking these actions will develop you into a noticeably more attractive individual.

Remember, a gentleman is not necessarily a gentle man. Instead, he is a strong, well developed, intriguing man who naturally attracts the opposite sex through his well developed character and charisma.

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