How to Deal With Criticism
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“The best of men is he who blushes when you praise him and remains silent when you defame him.”
- Kahlil Gibran
Criticism can actually be a good thing.
Often times it means you’re marching to the beat of your own drum, and in the process you’re reminding others of their own mediocrity. Criticism is their defense mechanism, and by lashing out at you they’re attempting to bring you down to their level so they can feel better about themselves and the decisions they’ve made.
Other times, criticism is directed your way by people you love dearly. Usually well intentioned, it’s often because these people are worried about you or concerned about your future.
Regardless of the source of criticism, we allow people’s attacks to affect the balance of our mind. We get angry, lash back at others, and lose faith in who we are and what we’re trying to accomplish.
Whenever you decide to go against the grain and strive to reach some of your loftier goals, you can bet you’re going to come up against a considerable amount of criticism. For you to succeed in reaching these goals, you must learn to deal with this criticism in a healthy and positive way.
Indian Family + Dropping Out of School = Guaranteed Criticism
When I decided to drop out of school, I had a vague idea of what I was getting myself into.
I mentally prepared for what was sure to be a barrage of criticism in the form of phone calls, e-mails, and personal visits. I determined I was going to tell as few people as possible about my decision, and ignore everyone that tried to force their “wisdom” upon me.
When people called, I didn’t answer. When people e-mailed, I never replied. And when people took the time to visit me at home, I dreaded the prospect of sitting down and chatting with them about my future.
This is how I dealt with the criticism in my life, and let me tell you, running away from it only made things worse. I’ve hurt the people who love me most, and have alienated myself from them in the process. People no longer bother telling me what they think because they know any attempts at conversation will always end up ignored or in an argument.
I’ve closed the door on a potential source of constructive criticism and positive energy in my life, and it’s because I’ve been too immature to learn how to deal with criticism in a healthy way.
15 Months Later
It’s been 15 months since I made the decision to withdraw from school, and the amount of criticism I’ve been subjected to has gone way past even my most extreme expectations.
My mom takes every opportunity she gets to criticize me for not being in school. She tells me I’m lazy. She calls me useless. She makes fun of me in front of her friends. Whenever I tell her a story about one of my friends, she always ends the conversation with, “Well, at least he’s in school Rahul!”
This can be awfully frustrating. At times I find myself engaged in an argument with my mother about my beliefs, or out of anger I’m ignoring her, or in my defense I’m criticizing her for the way she leads her life.
Is this any way to handle criticism? To fight with the person who loves me more than anyone else in the world?
Here I am trying to improve the quality of my life by reading tons of personal development books and attending courses like Vipassana, but for some reason I can’t even do something as simple as leading a proper relationship with my loved ones.
Healthy Ways to Deal with Criticism
As you can tell from my story, criticism can be a terribly negative force if you don’t learn how to deal with it properly. Thankfully, along my journey I’ve learned quite a few healthy ways to handle criticism. I’m nowhere near the expert I strive to be, but I do know that the path I’m on now will eventually get me there. That’s what’s important.
Here are a few techniques and perspectives I’ve learned over the past 15 months that help me deal with criticism in a positive, healthy way. Apply them to your life and I’m confident they’ll do the same for you.
1. Defenselessness - Notice how you always feel the need to defend yourself against the criticism of others. The most important thing you must learn is how to relinquish this need to defend yourself all the time. As long as you defend yourself, criticism always wins the battle over your attempts to maintain a balanced state of mind. This is also the best way to ensure a life of isolation, anger, and broken relationships.
2. Understand the source of peoples’ criticism – Each person will have their own reasons for criticizing you. If you care about the person, it’s your responsibility to figure out the source of their criticism to make sure it doesn’t get in the way of your relationship. Understanding this source will help you lower your guard, because you’ll usually find the person is well intentioned. For example, I’ve come to understand that my mother’s source of criticism is her perceived duty of letting me know when I’m making a mistake. She views my decision to drop out of school as a huge mistake, and she lets me know that whenever she gets a chance. I’m finding it harder and harder to get angry with her as I understand this truth more deeply. Seek to understand others, and you’ll find that the need to defend yourself against criticism will slowly dissolve.
3. Extract the value from others’ perspectives – Once you’ve come to understand the source of a person’s criticism, investigate whether or not his or her perspective has any applicability to your life. Many times you’ll find there is value in what others are trying to tell you, and you’ll be able to mesh their ideas with your own, creating a better approach to reaching your goals altogether. It takes a wise person to set his or her ego aside, and quietly listen to the harsh words of others. It takes an even wiser person to learn a valuable lesson from these harsh words.
4. Believe in yourself – One of the best ways to deal with criticism is to firmly believe in yourself. Believe in your ideas, perspectives, the path you’ve chosen, and the decisions you’ve made. Peoples’ negative comments and criticisms will bounce off of you if you have a tremendous amount of self-confidence. Observe how you react to criticism, and many times you’ll find that whenever you defend your ideas, perspectives, or the decisions you’ve made, it’s because you don’t believe in them wholeheartedly in the first place. If you did, you wouldn’t feel the need to defend them from the attacks of others. Self-confidence is the path to defenselessness.
5. Stop seeking approval – This one has been huge for me. For the longest time I’ve wanted my father’s and mother’s approval, so I would do everything in my power to get it. When they criticized me I would argue persistently, trying to get them to see my point of view. I wanted them to say they believed in me. I wanted them to agree with me so I could feel like I was doing the right thing. I craved their validation. As I’ve progressively relinquished my need for their approval, I’ve noticed I’m not as reactive to their criticism as I was before. Whether or not they believe in me, I realize I have to believe in myself. This is the only way I’ll be able to create the life of my dreams. Who’s approval do you seek? In what way? Why?
Putting it in Perspective
The kind of criticism that hurts the most is from the people who matter most to you in your life. Understand that a majority of the time this stinging criticism originates from a place of love in the critic’s heart. Kindly listen to their words, extract any value these words may provide, and then go back to doing things the way you’ve been doing them.
There’s no need to argue.
There’s no need to defend your ideas, perspectives, and the decisions you’ve made.
There’s no need to prove anything to anyone.
Believe in who you are, the path you’ve chosen, and the decisions you’ve made, and you’ll soon find that criticism no longer stings like it once did.
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New Library Section Up and Running
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I’ve finally taken the time to make a list of all of the best books I’ve read over the past few years, and have hosted a “Library” page on the site. I’m sure you’ll recognize quite a few of the books on the list, but I’m almost certain you’ll notice a few you’ve never come across before.
I left quite a few books off the list because they didn’t meet my standard of incredible in their respective fields. The list you’re looking at was deliberated over for quite a few hours before being compiled. Eventually, I plan to write reviews for each of the books on the list. To access the library, click on the “Library” tab at the top of the page, or click here.
Take a look around and let me know what you think! If you have any book recommendations for me, please let me know about them in the comments section below.
